Long Jokes PG199

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One day, a father and his daughter are together.


The father is putting the daughter to sleep.


After the father leaves, he hears her saying her prayers. He hears her say, ''God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa.”


The father hears all of this and barges back into the room. He asks her, '' Why did you say the last part?’'


The daughter replies, ''Because I needed to.’'


The next day, grandpa dies. The father thinks, ‘Is this just a coincidence?’


That night he tucks her daughter into bed. He leaves the room to only hear her prayers again. He hears, ''Bless mommy and daddy, rest in peace grandma.’'


The next day, grandma dies. The father now is thinking, 'Holy cow, my daughter can see into the future?’


A week later nothing happens, but the night before Sunday, he is tucking his daughter into bed once more. He leaves and listens for any more prayers.


Sure enough, there’s another prayer. He hears, ''Bless you mommy, rest in peace daddy.’'


The father starts panicking and saying, ''Holy cow! I'm going to die tomorrow!’'


At the beginning of the next day, the father starts off by being alert all the time, checking the clock, looking around the room, etc.


He goes to work and does the same things, very alert, all the time.


Later that night at home, he looks at the clock. It's past midnight. The father thinks, 'How is this possible? I should be dead!’


He goes and finds his wife on the couch with a scared look on her face.


The father says, ''Listen honey, today I haven't had the best day.’'


Then as soon as he is about to tell what happened, she bursts out, ''I saw the mailman die yesterday!'' 

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Men don’t know how they really look. Go to a beach and see. Some of the biggest land mammals in North America chose the Speedo bathing suit. A guy who should be wearing a poncho on the beach, a man with more genetic defects than a Hudson River trout, has a bathing suit meant for Olympic competition. What mirror was he looking in when he made this decision? “This is the suit for me! It really draws attention to my large, jiggling, harpoon-scarred gut in a way that is bound to drive the babes crazy. Hey, salesman, do you have anything smaller? Because I don’t think all my back hair is showing, and I wouldn’t want to deprive anyone of this Chia Pet body.”

-Richard Jeni

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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

-Henny Youngman

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Clothes spend most of their lives waiting in the closet, in the hamper, in the drawer. There are shirts in your house going, “He never picks me.” Laundry day is the only exciting day because the washing machine is the nightclub for clothes. It’s dark, bubbles happening, they are all kind of dancing around. The shirt grabs the underwear, “Come on, babe, let’s go!"

-Jerry Seinfeld

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There’s a law that doesn’t allow you to change your clothes on the beach. But that doesn’t bother me. I change my clothes on the bus on the way down to the beach.

-Henny Youngman

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My wife can’t bear to throw anything away. Our garage is so packed to the ceiling in a maze of bins, boxes, tubs, that we’ve never parked the car in it. Last month, we had a birthday party and had to call the police because two of the neighbors’ kids were lost in the garage. An entire search party of detectives scoured the scene, and after they got the kids, they also found a nice elderly couple from our last New Year’s Eve party.

-Steve Lampe

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Starbucks is the best example of a phony status symbol that means nothing, but people will still pay ten times as much for it because there are French words all over the place. You want coffee in a coffee shop, that’s sixty cents. But at Starbucks: café latte, $3.50. Café cremier, $4.50. Café Suisse, $9.50. For each French word, another four dollars.

-Jackie Mason

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A new slogan for Starbucks: “Be awake, be very awake.”

-Jason Love

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In New York, a Starbucks coffeehouse is opening inside a bank. It’s a bank and Starbucks. The goal is to create the longest line in history. Starbucks in a bank? How expensive is this coffee? Do you take a loan out to get a latte?

-Jay Leno

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Starbucks is closing six stores in Israel. The company said, “They’re jittery enough already.”  

-David Letterman

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College: a fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.

-Henny Youngman

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My parents wanted me to go to a college close to home because they’d rather have me here and miserable than there and happy.

-Rosie Tran

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Does college pay? Of course. If you’re a halfback or a basketball player they pay you very well. College athletes are always saying to me, “When should I turn pro?” And I say, “Not until you’ve earned all you can in college.”

-Will Rogers

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In college I majored in communications, but I never told anyone.

-Robin Fairbanks

I’m not a control freak, I just know how to fold a towel the right way. You can’t just start folding all willy-nilly, like some sort of linen rebel.

-Unknown

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