An old couple is sitting on their couch and the woman asks her husband "If I die will you get married again."
The husband replies "Well I don't want to be lonely... So yes."
His wife shoots him a dirty look and says "Will you live in our house?"
The husband replies "Well it's already paid off... So yes."
His wife is extremely mad at this point. She asks him "Will she use my golf clubs?!"
The husband replies "Oh no... She's left handed."
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What’s the thought process involved in purchasing a Pacer? “Got anything round and bloated, so it looks like a fish tank on wheels? With a lot of windows, so everybody knows I made a messed-up purchase?"
-Warren Thomas
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In my more depressed moments, I believe my cats suffer from Stockholm syndrome. You know, where the hostage falls in love with the captor, as an adaptive mechanism.
-Betsy Salkind
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I saw a commercial for cat food that said, “All-natural food for your cat.” But cat food is made out of horse meat. That’s how it works in nature… the cat right above the horse on the food chain. Matter-of-fact, every time my kitty feels a little cooped up in his environment, I take him down to the racetrack, let him stalk some prey.
-Norm MacDonald
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I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it’s because it’s cold in there. And I’m like, “How did my mother know that?”
-Wendy Liebman
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My wife’s cats have been neutered and declawed, so they’re like pillows that eat.
-Larry Reeb
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I gave my cat a bath the other day, they love it. He enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that…
-Steve Martin
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Bill Gates declared to the world, “I am Microsoft.” Mrs. Gates had no comment.
-Whoopi Goldberg
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I can’t believe that Leonardo DiCaprio is the reason for Titanic’s success. Meryl Streep is a more believable leading man. It’s a sad comment on our times, when women want to be be able to look at a man and think, “Yeah, I could take him in a fair tight.”
-Nosmo King
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Larry Flynt is now spokesman for organ donation. How novel of him to be hocking his own body parts for a change.
-Betsy Salkind
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Frank Gifford quit Monday Night Football. Frank said it’s a great job, but it’s an awful lot of work and he just wanted to spend more time getting the cold shoulder from his wife and family.
-Bill Maher
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Hugh Hefner’s thirty-four-year-old wife left him for Donald Trump. When asked about it, she said that instead of being with a really old, rich guy, “I’d rather be with a really rich, old guy.”
-Conan O’Brien
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I bet Kevorkian is a hard guy to hang out with. Old Jack comes over to your house and asks how are things going, you’ll go, “Oh man, things are… good. Just get your van out of my driveway. No, I don’t want to wear the happy mask tonight.”
-Jack Coen
