A man is at the bar looking sad. The bartender asks him, "What's with the long face?"
He replies, "I've had three wives, but they've all died."
The bartender replies, "Wow, how'd they go?"
The man replies, "Well, the first one ate poisonous mushrooms."
The bartender asks, "What about the second one?"
He replies, "Poisonous mushrooms."
The bartender asks, "And the third ate poisonous mushrooms?"
The man replies, "Nope she was strangled."
The bartender asks, "Oh no, why?"
The man replies, "She wouldn't eat the damn mushrooms."
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There’s nothing wrong with our foreign policy that faith, hope, and clarity couldn’t cure.
-Henny Youngman
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The Republicans, whose health care plan consists of just Say No to Sickness.
-Kevin Pollack
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If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
-Jay Leno
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Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.
-George Burns
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Men love to watch two women make love. I wonder, does this turn them on, or are they just trying to figure out how to do it right?
-Joy Behar
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There’s a new porno movie, John Wayne Bobbitt, Uncut. Y’know, if that’s what it takes to get into the porno business, I withdraw my application.
-Norman K.
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One time the power went out in my house, and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich, and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
-Steven Wright
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Why is it when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?
-Lily Tomlin
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When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn’t work that way. So I stole one, and asked him to forgive me.
-Emo Philips
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On election day I stay home. Because if you vote, you have no right to complain. You elect dishonest, incompetent people, they get in office and screw everything up, you caused the problem. I am in no way responsible, and have every right to complain as loud as I want to about the mess you people created.
-George Carlin
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I’m offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
-Henny Youngman
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn’t get his birthmark until he was eight years old.
-Steven Wright
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Psychics should be licensed. We could give them the regular DMV test, only with silver dollars and pizza dough over the eyes. If you can parallel park like that, you’re a psychic.
-Jerry Seinfeld
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TV is dangerous, especially after midnight. I think, “Let’s see if these psychics really work.” Wake one up at four A.M. But if she’s not asleep, you got to wonder: “If you’re so psychic, why can’t you see your way to a better life than sitting by the phone all night long?”
-Sinbad
