A priest was preparing a dying man for his voyage into the great beyond.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
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I don’t own a computer. I’m waiting for the kind where I can look at the screen and say, “Hey, I need a pizza,” and one comes out and hits me in the eyebrows.
-Kathleen Madigan
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When I’m around hard-core computer geeks I wanna say, “Come outside, the graphics are great!”
-Matt Weinhold
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My sister is a Disney freak. For Christmas she gave me their condoms. My favorite was the Mickey one, ya know, ’cuz of the ears. And for the Pinocchio ones all I had to do was get my boyfriend to lie, which wasn’t hard.
-Penny Wiggins
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Even though I’m single again, I’m still buying condoms. I don’t want the woman at the store to think that I’ve stopped having sex. I don’t really think that’s any of her business. Although the condoms are piling up, so I’m going to have to have a lucky streak or think of a crafts project.
-Jake Johannsen
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There’s this one ad on TV, but it’s the wrong approach. A woman says, “It’s not worth dying for.” Well, that’s not going to work. Because when you are in the act, it kind of is worth dying for. If they want to sell condoms, they should be more positive. The ads should say, “Look, buy condoms and you’ll stay up for years.”
-Elayne Boosler
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Recently someone asked if l minded wearing a condom. Au contraire, I prefer them. There’s no difference in the sensation, unless you count the total lack of any.
- Richard Jeni
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I’m not embarrassed to buy condoms. It’s not like when you first buy them and you mix them in with a bunch of other stuff as if you don’t know that you’re getting them. I don’t get that theory. “Oh, condoms? I didn’t know they were in there. But thanks guy, put them in the bag. I’ll find some damn use for them.” Hopefully, I’ll have the same attitude later when I have to buy really embarrassing stuff, like adult diapers.
-Jake Johansen
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I was insecure about sex. I’ve grown more secure. I used to use the amateur phylactics, and I only use the prophylactics now.
-Steve Martin
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Magnum condoms are a marketing gimmick, because what guy is going to admit he doesn’t require them? “No thanks, they’re so big on me, I need to use a twist tie.”
-Robert Schimmel
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Read the condom boxes, they’re pretty funny. Trojans say, “New shape.” I didn’t know this was necessary. Must have been that Chernobyl incident. Another box said, “Reservoir,” I said. “You mean these things can actually generate hydroelectric power?”
-Elayne Boosler
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Nobody’s passing out condoms to increase the sexual activity of kids. Condoms don’t make babies, people do.
-Dennis Miller
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My husband says I feed him like he’s a god; every meal is a burnt offering.
-Rhonda Hansome
