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Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy?
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!
After Marriage: (Read from bottom to top)
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It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
-Erma Bombeck
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My kid is mean. He Scotch-tapes worms to the sidewalk and watches the birds get hernias.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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I looked up the symptoms OFADD in a medical journal, and here they are: “The child makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, does not listen when spoken to directly, fails to finish chores, dislikes tasks that require sustained mental effort, like homework, loses things, like pens, pencils, books, and notebooks, talks excessively.” l thought these symptoms already had a disorder, called “being a kid.”
-Rob Bitter
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These kids are nuts today. I got a kid myself, ten years old. He’s going to be eleven, if I let him.
-Henny Youngman
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You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.
-P.J. O’Rourke
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I think the dilemma of being a thirteen-year-old girl is best summed up by a book I’ve heard about, titled something like “I Hate You and l Wish You Would Die, but First Can You Drive Me to the Mall?"
-Tony Kornheiser
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Kids today grow up so fast. One day, they’re being tried as juveniles, the next as adults.
-Craig Sharf
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The good thing about being a circus clown must be that you never have to worry about how your hair looks.
-Reno Goodale
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When I was a kid I got no respect. My old man took me to a freak show. They said, “Get the kid out, he’s distracting.”
-Rodney Dangerfield
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ls “tired old cliché” one?
-Steven Wright
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away. In my case, the doctor is my ex-husband. So I bought an orchard.
-Daryl Hogue
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They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away. My HMO also says that’s the best they can do for me.
-Charlotte Lobb
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We’re all just batteries waiting to be included.
-Strange de Jim
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What good is being the best if it brings out the worst in you?
-Rodney Dangerfield
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Instead of candy, wouldn’t it be easier to take, say, cabbage from a baby?
-Jason Love
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How many lives does a cat have in metric countries?
-Steve Moris
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