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John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country.
On the first morning of the visit, John's grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs.
John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandpa replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal."
For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it. "Are you sure these plates are clean?" he asked.
Without looking up, Grandpa said, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!"
Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass.
John said, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me get by!"
Grandpa yelled to the dog, "Cold Water, go lie down!"
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A two-year-old is like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
-Jerry Seinfeld
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My child jammed seventy-five raisins up her nose. I mean jammed so tight she couldn’t breathe, but wouldn’t let on, afraid l’d be mad. Just sitting on a raisin box trying to act cool.
-Sinbad
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Insanity is hereditary. You can get it from your children.
-Sam Levinson
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Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.
-Fran Lebowitz
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When I was a kid, I had the cutest little button nose. But they couldn’t feed me; it was buttoned to my lower lip.
-Henny Youngman
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The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
-Jack Handel
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A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation’s state legislators.
-Dave Barry
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Notoriously insensitive to subtle shifts in mood, children will persist in discussing the color of a recently sighted cement mixer long after one’s own interest in the topic has waned.
-Fran Lebowitz
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I don’t believe in spanking children; you can find more creative ways of discipline. Depending on the age of the kids, you can use “I’m gonna tell a really gross story” as either a threat or a punishment. And I’m a nurse, so I know lots of gross stories. All my amusing anecdotes involve at least one body fluid.
-Kelli Dunham
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My sister-in-law gives my nephews “sample punishments.” What a great concept. We should get sample punishments throughout our entire adult lives. Park in front of a fire hydrant, and the tow-truck driver should only take your car half a block. “That’s just a sample of what you’ll get, fat boy. Park in a red zone again, I swear I’ll tow you. Look at me when I’m talking to you!”
-Rick Ducommun
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I was pretty insecure as a child. When I was eight years old I asked my mother if l had been adopted. She said, "Yes, but they returned you.”
-Ronnie Shakes
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Parents discipline their children in different ways. My mother would say, “If you don’t pick up your toys, l’m throwing them away.” My pop was much tougher, “If you don’t finish your vegetables, I’m shooting the dog.”
-Ronnie Shakes
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Do today’s kids build tree condos?
-Jason Love
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Kids today have the attention span of high-speed lint.
-Will Durst
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Children are usually small in stature, which makes them quite useful for getting at those hard-to-reach places.
-Fran Lebowitz
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