SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are in the middle of a desert when their car breaks down.
For their hike to town, they each decide to take one thing with them.
The brunette takes a jug of water.
The redhead takes a sandwich.
The blonde takes one of the car doors.
The brunette says to the others: "I'm bringing the water if we get thirsty.”
The redhead says to the blonde, “It makes sense to bring a sandwich in case we get hungry, but why bring a car door?"
The blonde replies, "If we get hot, I can just roll down the window."
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn’t even look for me.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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One day when I was little and my parents were having a party, I went around to all the adults and said, “Drink this, it’ll make you taller, it’s magic.” And they all drank it and said, “How cute. How weird.” And then I snuck off into the room where they kept all the coats and hemmed everyone’s sleeves an inch shorter.
-Steven Wright
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When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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I matured fast as a kid. I was the first one of all my friends in the neighborhood to start shaving-my back. Back hair is great at twelve, especially when your parents enroll you in the middle school swim team. There’s a great idea: “Let’s take our balding, chubby, hairy-backed son and stick him a bright green Speedo with other kids his age. Those middle school kids are so forgiving of another child’s flaws; they’re so nonjudgmental.”
-Mike Rubin
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When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
-Woody Allen
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I want to adopt a child. Not a baby, one with a job.
-Linda Herskovic
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I thought I wanted to have kids until I spent two weeks with my nephews. Now I’ll only have children if l want to go into the wrecking business.
-Rick Ducommun
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Mother Nature, in all her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce. This is her way of ensuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income.
-Dave Barry
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They say having a pet prepares you for having children. I kept a fish alive for five months, so I guess I’m ready for kids. But I’d have to get a bigger tank.
-Jayne Warren
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I’m at the age now where all of my friends are having kids and they all say the same thing: “You should have kids. It’s such a joy.” I can’t believe that. Something grows inside you, comes ripping out of your favorite orifice, and then eats off your body. That’s not a joy, that’s a parasite.
-Amy Anderson
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Once you survive growing up, the next step is to have your own kid. When everyone you know has pretty much caught on to you, you need to create a new person, someone who doesn’t know anything about you. You have a kid, the relationship is off to a great start. You give the kid food and toys, and immediately they are very impressed with you.
-Jerry Seinfeld
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Child-rearing advice: Try to get one that doesn’t spit up. Other than that you’re on your own.
-Calvin Trillin
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What’s the best way to keep two-year-old children from biting their fingernails? Make them change their own diapers.
-Paul Lynde
SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW