SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW
A man is having his house remodeled by a blonde contractor.
He went into the house to check on the progress, and found the blonde woman painting the walls.
The woman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day.
Thinking this was a little strange, the man asked her why she was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.
The blonde woman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: “For best results, put on two coats.”
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My father was so cheap that when I was a teenager and I wanted to speak to my friends on the phone, my father was hovering over me shouting, “Keep it brief! Keep it brief! ” Our phone bills were so minuscule, if Alexander Graham Bell had seen one of them he would have said, “There’s no money in this.”
-Cathy Ladman
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I pawned my chess set.
-Myq Kaplan
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Former world chess champ Anatoly Karpov announced plans to open up a school for chess players in Kansas. The students will have to follow a strict dress code of thick glasses, plaid shirts, and dandruff
-Michael Loomis
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I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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I put my tooth under my pillow with dreams of a quarter in my head. I woke up in the middle of the night, and there was my father standing over the bed with his hand under the pillow. But I still believed in the Tooth Fairy. l just thought she had been there already and my father was ripping me off so I bit him. The next night, I had two more teeth to put under my pillow.
-A. Whitney Brown
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I didn’t have a lot of friends growing up. When you don’t have friends, the seesaw is just a really low bench.
-Dana Eagle
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the seesaw. I had to keep running from one end to the other.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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I grew up very poor. Me and the other neighbor kids used to just play stick.
-Craig Anton
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I got into a lot of trouble as a kid. I counterfeited Monopoly money and sold fake IDs to people who wanted to get Medicare early. So my parents sent me to military school in Switzerland, where they taught me how to not fight.
-Craig Sharf
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When I was a kid we always played cowboys and Indians, and I was always an Indian. I had my own casino.
-Brian Kiley
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I don’t get no respect. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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How can any child resist the tooth fairy? That single shining example of selfless generosity in this slimy veil of greed in which we live. I remember when I was broke, I used to pull out my brother’s teeth. Not every day, I mean, you couldn’t make a living at it, but just to know it was there, for an emergency. Naturally, it was too good to last. It was just one more nonrenewable resource on a diminishing planet.
-A. Whitney Brown
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I come from a large family, so my older brothers and sisters had a lot of influence on me, and I grew up during the hippie years. When my brother Jim came home from college for the holidays he made us younger kids register our squirt guns. My baby brother Jeff was the only kid on the block who had an air bag on his Big Wheel. My sister Maggie, or Sunflower as she was called back then, insisted we change the Monopoly, “Get out of jail free” card to “Get out of jail free, and follow up with six months of therapy.” A great lesson I learned was when my brother Billy insisted I bus my African-American doll clear across the living room into the den, where Barbie and Ken enjoyed a better Play-School environment, with no leaks in their building. Thank goodness those injustices have been resolved.
-Mary Hagan
SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW