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A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital.
The doctor examined her and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery.
He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure.
The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own pain.
The man agreed quickly to the procedure.
The doctor warned him, there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much to bear, that he should let the doctor know.
The doctor turned the machine on and watched.
The man said he felt fine, and that he could take more.
The doctor turned the machine up to 40, 60, 80, and finally to 100% of the pain, multiplied ten times over.
The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctors stunned by how much pain the man could take without showing it.
The couple took the new baby home.
There, on the front porch of their house, the mailman lay dead.
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Did you notice when the Hulk gets big his shirt rips off, but his pants don’t? Think of the wedgie he must get.
-Jay Leno
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A Japanese company is offering a translator so you can tell what your cat is saying. I can already tell you it’s two things: “Feed me” and “Take a hike.”
-Jay Leno
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I just got this cat named Reilly. I’m not paranoid, but I think he’s out to get me. So far, he’s chewed up my notebook, clawed up my couch, and tried to steal my breath.
-Steve Neal
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My cat was up all night throwing up. So obviously I was up all night holding her hair.
-Sarah Silverman
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Rome had a Cat Pride Parade. There was a six-hour break in the middle for a nap on top of the TV.
-Craig Kilborn
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Why isn’t there a mice-flavored cat food? And how come there’s no cat-flavored dog food?
-Gene Pompa
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I did this adopt-a-cat thing one year. The problem was that the cat was always looking for its biological father.
-David Letterman
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Only in California. The San Francisco Board of Supervisors have passed a law changing the official terminology from “pet owners” to “pet guardians.” Get off it. I have a cat. I’m not a pet owner, I’m a pet employee.
-Jay Leno
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I found our cat the other day. I would have found him a week ago, but we’ve got a grass bag on the lawn mower.
-Emo Philips
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It’s easy to understand why the cat has eclipsed the dog as modern America’s Favorite pet. People like pets to possess the same qualities they do. Cats are irresponsible and recognize no authority, yet are completely dependent on others for their material needs. Cats cannot be made to do anything useful, Cats are mean for the fun of it.
-P. J. O’Rourke
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My cat was limping, and the vet said he had a bad knee. I didn’t even know cats had knees. But I know nothing about the feline anatomy. If the vet told me the cat needed new batteries I couldn’t argue. But I’m not at the complete mercy of the vet. There’s a built-in price constraint; I can always get a new kitty for nothing. Let’s Face it, high vet bills make it difficult to respect the sanctity of life. Fluffy might be cute and you might love Fluffy, but Fluffy’s not getting a liver transplant. No donor list for kitty cats.
-Jeff Stilson
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People do crazy things when bored. I’m sitting at home with nothing to do, looking at the cats, and think, ”l’Il teach the cats to wrestle.” You should never teach cats to wrestle, but if you do, here’s how, get two cats. Take cat number one and rub catnip all over him. Put him next to cat number two. The rest just sort of happens.
-Basil White
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My husband is so tight with money he sent away For 1,500 pounds of steel wool. He’s going to knit a Volkswagen.
-Phyllis Diller
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