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A good looking woman was walking around an orchard when she found a nice pool of water, and decided to go skinny-dipping in it.
She looked around, didn’t see anyone, and undressed.
Naked and just about to dive in, the orchard grower appeared from behind the bushes, where he was hiding the whole time, and told her that swimming was prohibited.
“You could have told me that before I undressed!” She scolded him.
He replied, “Hey, only swimming is prohibited, undressing isn’t.”
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I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me it was basically cannibalism.
-Rob O’Reilly
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In the Soviet Union capitalism has defeated communism. In the United States capitalism has defeated democracy.
-Fran Liebowitz
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I dreamt I did my best card trick for God, and when I finished he said, “I know how you did that.”
-Tony Invergo
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.
-Steven Wright
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The ABS light on my dashboard is lit. The mechanic says that there’s a problem with the antilock braking system. But I think the car is telling me to work on my abs.
-Preston Albert
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The garage charged me $100 for towing my car for a mile. I got my moneys worth, though. I kept my brakes on.
-Henny Youngman
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What a car l have! In order to go over ten miles an hour l have to remove the license plates. The car just won’t pull that kind of a load.
-Henny Youngman
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I drive a junky car. I never take care of it, or change the oil. The other day a dashboard light came on that said, “We need to talk.”
-Ken Ferguson
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Microsoft says their new goal is to put a computer in every automobile. Apparently they’re trying to create a car that crashes itself. Now when you come to an intersection and some guy turns left in front of you, instead of just honking your horn, you grab the mouse, open the horn-honking window, click on “horn”… that’s so much easier than “beep beep.”
-Jay Leno
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I drive a Ford Focus. This is how small a Focus is: You know when you come up to a parking spot that you think is open, but it’s not? That’s a Focus.
-Todd Larson
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l had my car towed. There’s nothing wrong with it; that was just cheaper than buying a tank of gas.
-Jay Leno
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Republicans are only in favor of electric cars if they have golf clubs tied to the back.
-Jay Leno
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There aren’t dents in my fenders; those are old-age wrinkles.
-Henny Youngman
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Do hearses get to use the car pool lane?
-Jason Love
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A ship carrying Four thousand Hyundai automobiles sank after colliding with an oil tanker. Hyundai officials calculate the loss of cars at over $3,000.
-Jay Leno
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