SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW
A man dies and goes to hell.
When he gets there, the devil is standing in front of three doors.
The Devil says, “It’s your lucky day. I’m going to give you a chance to get out of hell. All you have to do is complete three tasks.”
“Behind door number one is a one-gallon bottle of scotch. You have to down it in one drink..”
“Behind door number two is a 600 pound grizzly bear with a sore tooth. You have to pull the tooth.”
“Behind door number three is a nymphomaniac. When you’ve completely satisfied her, you can leave.”
The man figures it’s worth a shot, so he goes in the first door and drinks the whole bottle of scotch in one go.
He goes in the second door, shut it, and the most horrible commotion can be heard from within the room.
Twenty minutes later, the guy finally comes out. His clothes are torn to shreds, and he is sliced and scratched from head to toe.
Finally he manages to say, “Okay, where’s that girl with the sore tooth…?”
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I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Because nobody will lend me a bookcase.
-Henny Youngman
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My grandma wrote a practical beauty book. For a morning facial, for instance, she recommends picking up a large, fluffy towel and draping it firmly over the mirror.
-Strange de Jim
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A publishing company made a Bible for teens. You can tell it’s for teens because at one point Moses tells Pharaoh, “We’re so out of here!”
-Conan O’Brien
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Encyclopedia is a Latin term. It means “to paraphrase a term paper.”
-Greg Ray
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-Mark Twain
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I saw a book called Five Easy Steps to Becoming a Vegetarian and, wondered what comes after “Stop Eating Meat.” “Get a Snooty Attitude.” “Alienate Your Friends.” That’s still only three.
-Myq Kaplan
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I saw a book in the bookstore called How to Sell Anything to Anybody. There shouldn’t be people out there walking around with that particular skill. “Jim’s doing very well with snowboard sales. He’s found an untapped market among senior citizens.”
-Tom Ryan
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If l was stranded on a desert island and could only have one book, I would choose the one with the softest pages.
-Vinny Badabing
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Some of the best authors were alcoholics. That’s odd. Nobody wants to listen to a drunk talk, but we’ll read what they write.
-Jayson Cross
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George W. Bush. I actually read his book. In the store, because it’s a pop-up. Just says, “I’m George, I’m George, I am, I am. I like green eggs and I like green ham.”
-Kathleen Madigan
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Harry Potter author J. K. Rowling says she might write a book about Harry as an adult. When asked why, she said, “There’s still money in the world that I don’t have yet.”
-Conan O’Brien
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For about three weeks I owed my friend George twenty-five dollars. The whole time I had the money on me; he didn’t know it. We were walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. The thief said, “Give me all your money.” I said, “Wait a minute. George, here’s the twenty-five dollars I owe you.” Then the thief took $1,000 out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint he made me borrow $1,000 from George.
-Steven Wright
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A chronic borrower begged an old friend to lend him $100. “I’ll pay it back the minute I return from Chicago,” he promised. “Exactly what day are you returning?” the friend asked. The man shrugged. “Who’s going?”
-Myron Cohen
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