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A man is marooned on a deserted island.
One day, a beautiful woman arrives in a wetsuit.
“When was the last time you had a smoke?” She asks.
“Five years ago.” He replies.
So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it.
She unzips her wetsuit a bit and asks, “When was the last time you had a drink?”
He replies, “Five yers ago.”
So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink.
Then she unzips her wetsuit a bit more and says, “And when was the last time you played around?”
He looks at her in amazement and says, “You’re not telling me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there?”
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A dairy Farm in Minnesota has cows that are producing milk with caffeine in it. Is that a good idea? Aren’t we wired enough already? What is the goal here, to eliminate sleep entirely?
-Jay Leno
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Why does Diet Coke have one calorie? If they can get all the other calories out, then why can’t they get that last little punk out of there? How do they even know it’s still in there? Maybe in a six-pack one can got all six of them. Maybe there are millions of cans with no calories at all, and one big, fat, killer can bouncing all over the place.
-Richard Jeni
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The odds of getting a diet soda when you order one at the drive-through are roughly better than chance.
-Jason Love
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The latest fad is turkey and gravy-flavored soda. If this doesn’t get Elvis to come out of hiding, nothing will.
-Jay Leno
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In Arkansas a man woke from a nineteen-year coma and asked for a Pepsi. “Just a small glass,” he said. “Caffeine keeps me up.”
-Conan O’Brien
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Do you think that birds that live at airports have a bad self image?
-Dennis Miller
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My parakeet died. We were playing badminton.
-Danny Curtis
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I’m taking Lamaze classes. I’m not having a baby, I’m just having trouble breathing.
-Steven Wright
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When it’s time for me to have kids, I’m going to go natural: no hair, no makeup.
-Margot Black
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The idea with natural childbirth is to avoid drugs so the mother can share the first intimate moments after birth with the baby and the father and the obstetrician and the standby anesthesiologist and the nurses and the person who cleans the room.
-Dave Barry
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A janitor’s wife had a baby in a supermarket. The janitor handed out cigars, saying, “Cleanup on aisle six.”
-Craig Kilbom
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A woman just gave birth to a thirteen-pound, six-ounce baby boy. Ouch! The kid will be walking before the mother is.
-Conan O’Brien
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Did you have natural childbirth? Why? Do you have natural chiropody, or natural dentistry? I had a Jewish delivery: They knocked me out at the first pain and didn’t wake me up until the hairdresser showed.
-Joan Rivers
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When I was born I got no respect. After the doctor smacked me, the nurses got in a few.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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