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Two blondes are hanging out and one of them pulls out a make up mirror.
She is stunned saying "There's a face in there. She looks so familiar."
Her friend grabs the mirror, looks in it, and says "You're such an idiot. That's me!"
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We’ve just marked our tenth wedding anniversary on the calendar, and threw darts at it.
-Phyllis Diller
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It would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease, where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.
-George Carlin
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I was married for four years. I was hoping the marriage would last for five, because the gift for five is wood. "Honey, you’re so special, I got you twenty Feet of 1-by-8.”
-Carol Leifer
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A couple just celebrated their eightieth wedding anniversary. Know what kept them together all those years? Gauze. If` you’re buying them a gift, I’d advise making it something they can use immediately.
-Jay Leno
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We got a new garbage disposal, my brother-in-law. He’ll eat anything.
-Henny Youngman
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I bought a Rembrandt painting from his black-velvet period and it was educational. l didn’t even know dogs played poker in the sixteenth century.
-Charlie Marko
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After four hundred years, they’re restoring the Mona Lisa, including a complete cleaning. Which is a good idea, don’t you think? It’s about time somebody wiped that silly grin off her face.
-Mark Shapiro
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Art is the thinking man’s wrestling.
-Jon Stewart
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There’s a woman who swam around Manhattan. Someone asked why she did it. She said, “Because no one had ever done it before.” Well, she didn’t have to do that. If she wanted to do something no one else had ever done before, all she’d have to do is vacuum my apartment.
-Rita Rudner
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Look on the bright side. Why, right this instant prices are as low as they’re ever going to be.
-Strange de Jim
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I don’t care about anything. Like yesterday, Jimmy cracked corn, and I don’t care.
-Howie Mandel
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I used to be paranoid, until I became imaginary friends with all my imaginary enemies.
-Craig Sharf
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The worst-tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.
-David Letterman
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Mothers love to show those ugly Polaroid pictures of the child at one hour old. I’m just glad they’re free. They should be; they made my child look like a pit bull. Now I know where the Enquirer gets those weird alien pictures.
-Sinbad
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Most people never live up to their baby picture.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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