SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW
A lifeguard told the mother of a young boy to make her son stop urinating in the pool.
"Everyone knows that from time to time, young children will urinate in the pool," the mother lectured him.
"Oh really? From the diving board?!"
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The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of “Ten Best.”
-H. Allen Smith
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Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, “Gee, I hope it doesn’t rain today. I hate it when the children play inside.”
-Henny Youngman
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Lulu, a pet kangaroo who helped save the life of an Australian farmer last year, will be honored with the RSPCA’s national Animal Valor Award. Or as Lulu the kangaroo will think of it: Not Food.
-Jimmy Fallon
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Scientists have found a male monkey who can shut his ears, but only when the female monkey is telling him about her day.
-Craig Kilborn
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The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
-Steven Wright
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My rabbit broke a mirror but didn’t have any bad luck, because he has four rabbit’s feet.
-Craig Sharf
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A one-ton rodeo bull escaped from its pen and went on a rampage through a shopping mall in Tampa. The bull was finally captured just as it was heading for Larry’s House of Fine China.
-Michael Loomis
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An injured baby walrus found abandoned on the shore in Alaska is being nursed back to health. Wildlife officials say the walrus should recover just in time for native Alaskans to club it to death and melt it down for soap.
-Michael Loomis
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I had a really bad weekend. It’s hard to lose a pet, and since I have sea monkeys I can lose up to a thousand at a time. Sea monkeys come and go, but it never gets any easier.
-Erica Doering
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What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle? “Whee!”
-Will Durst
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A man kept a four-hundred-pound tiger in a New York City studio apartment. And once you -have a tiger, what do you need to go with it? An alligator. So he has the tiger and an alligator living in this apartment, and the cops were tipped off by the parrot. The tiger lived off canned tuna, and the occasional UPS guy.
-David Letterman
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Why is it people are amazed when they see a whale emerge from the ocean and crash back into the water, but I do one belly Flop in the pool and suddenly I’m a jerk?
-Steve Moris
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What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.
-Mark Twain
SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW