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A guy is in a car accident and he breaks both of his legs.He calls the police and they ask him what street he is on and he says "I'm on Schlepsentle Road."
The officer says "Can you spell that sir?"
The man thinks for a while and answers "I'll crawl over to Oak."
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I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
-Bob Hope
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You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
-George Burns
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At this retirement center for senior citizens, Wrinkle City, the residents are so elderly it’s considered a good deed For a Boy Scout to help an old lady cross her legs.
-Pat McCormick
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I was able to find my original birth certificate, but it took three guys to help me get it. Stone tablets are heavy.
-Bob Hope
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I’m a goofy old fart, but I still have fun. Have you ever been on a roller coaster? I’m so old I get that same sensation just rolling over in bed.
-Old Man Heywood
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I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
-George Carlin
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l’ve got an older uncle who’s ninety-two, and l’ve learned something about that age: Their whole social life is going to funerals. Somebody dies, they call a date. “Hey, Margaret, Bob died. We’re all going, the whole gang.” And why not? The funeral home is a great place to go when you’re ninety-two: free parking, well-lit, somebody opens the door, free coffee downstairs, and there’s always ,somebody a little worse off than you. One more thing l’ve learned from going to funerals with my uncle: You know that little purple flag they give you in the procession? Keep it. Next time you’re running late for work… man, l got a police escort right to my office door.
-John David Sidley
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If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.
-George Burns
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Achoo! Excuse me, excuse me, allergies. l’m allergic to cheap men. I can barely breathe.
-Melanie Camacho
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I don’t get no respect. The time I got hurt, on the way to the hospital the ambulance stopped for gas.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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Sometimes I’m afraid of bears, sometimes I’m not. I must be “bipolar.”
-Peter Sasso
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A hiker in Alaska had a dangerous encounter with three hungry bears. The bears had the hiker cornered against a rock, but he was able to escape after setting down his bowl of porridge and backing away.
-Michael Loomis
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The movie Finding Nemo has led kids to ask for clown fish. And when the kids find the fish can’t talk, it’s “Flushing Nemo.”
-Craig Kilborn
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