SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW
A woman is pulled over and the officer asks her for her license.
He looks at it and says "Ma'm, your license says you should be wearing glasses?"
The woman replies "I have contacts sir."
The officer gets mad and yells "I don't care who you know, you're getting a ticket!"
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I wake up in the morning, it takes me a half hour to find my glasses, just so I can look for my teeth, to tell my wife to find my hair.
-Richard Jeni
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The thing I hate most about getting old is forgetting things. Not where I put my keys, or forgetting my own name, I’m talking about showering, shaving, and then going to bed and realizing I forgot to shave the bottom half of one leg. Is it stress? Then I wonder if that’s a warning sign of Alzheimer’s: half-shaved legs.
-Kathie Dice
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You know you’re getting old when people tell you how good you look.
-Alan King
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You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
-Bob Hope
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At my age, what’s to look Forward to? If I’m good and I eat real healthy, then I can get sick and die.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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My husband was so old his shadow weighed more than he did. He was so old Santa Claus looked like his son.
-Moms Mabley
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A man brags about his new hearing aid. “It’s the most expensive one I’ve ever had: It cost $2,500.” His friend asks, “What kind is it?” He says, “Half-past Four.”
-Henny Youngman
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My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters.
-Brian Kiley
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When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.
-George Burns
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You know you’re old when they’ve discontinued your blood type.
-Phyllis Diller
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l’m so old that when I order a three-minute egg they make me pay up front.
-Henny Youngman
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A recent study found that during a seven-hour sleep period, a healthy senior will wake 153 times, 152 of those just to check if he’s still alive.
-Joan Rivers
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You know you’re old when your birth certificate was a scroll.
-Phyllis Diller
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You know you’re old when your walker has an air bag.
-Phyllis Diller
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I don’t think old age is glamorous enough. It’s about time MTV came out with MTV Senior. Peter Boyle could host, and spring break could still be in Florida.
-Sari Karplus
SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW