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A man comes home to his blonde wife crying violently.
When he asks her what's wrong she replies "I've been working on this puzzle all day, but I can't figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger."
Her husband grabs her hand gently and replies "Honey, put away the box of frosted flakes."
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They say life begins at forty, but life just begins to show at forty. After forty, every day is Halloween. You wake up with a different face than the one you went to sleep with, and it ain’t pretty. And your “I just woke up” face of your forties is your “all-day face” of your fifties.
-Meg Maly
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You know you’re getting old when you’re picking out vegetables, in the supermarket and you hear your music coming out of those tinny little speakers. “lt’s Only rock and roll, but l like it!”
-Grace White
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lt’s true that gray hair makes you look distinguished. It distinguishes you from the younger-looking people.
-Kelly
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lt’s great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who’s bald.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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The older I get, the more I believe we should respect the elderly.
-Jason Love
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There’s only one thing more traumatic than menopausal symptoms and that would be middle-aged dating. A long steamy night in my twenties meant going to the drive-in in a red Mustang convertible with a tall, dark, muscled guy. Now I feel lucky if l can get past 7:30 P.M. on a date without having to grab two Tagamet, pop a couple of Caltrate, down my Metamucil cocktail, and help him step up into my Durango.
-Jackie Newton
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You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
-Joan Rivers
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l’m not really wrinkled. l just had a nap on a chenille bedspread.
-Phyllis Diller
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It used to be that my age and waist size were the same size. Unfortunately, they still are.
-Reno Goodale
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun, and fun is a lot more work.
-Joan Rivers
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Whenever someone asks me how old I am, they fall out of their chair. Because whenever someone asks me how old I am, I kick over their chair.
-Jeff Shaw
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You know you’re getting old when the only thing you’ve got in the house from Victoria’s Secret is their catalog.
-Joan Rivers
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I was talking to this cute young woman who said she had a thing for older men. I got all excited and asked, “What’s that?” She said, “Pepper spray.”
-Chuck Johnson
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These aren’t lines on my face, they’re pleats. I heard they’re coming back in style, so I had mine pressed.
-Robin Fairbanks
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