SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW
A lawyer is getting out of his Rolls Royce and a truck slams into his car.
He yells, "What the heck are you doing?!"
The driver replies, "Are you serious, you care so much about money you didn't even notice your arm is missing?"
At this point the lawyer freaks out, "And my Rolex!"
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Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
-Jerry Seinfeld
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My little five-year-old cousin watches way too much TV. I asked him what sound a duck makes, and he said, “AFLAC!”
-Josh Jacobs
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You can’t fall off the floor.
-Steven Wright
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Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.
-Robin Williams
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Here’s a health warning: Don’t moon a pit bull after sitting in A-1 sauce.
-Johnny Carson
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Buy thermometers in the wintertime. They’re much lower then.
-Soupy Sales
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A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
-Steven Wright
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Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? You’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions. You’re never thirty-six and a half, you’re “Four and a half, going on five”! You become twenty-one, you turn thirty, you’re pushing forty, you reach fifty, you make it to sixty, you build up so much speed you hit seventy. Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over a hundred, you become a little kid again: “l’m 101 and a half!"
-Larry Miller
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I am in my very late twenties, also known as my early thirties.
-Stacey Prussman
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You hit thirty, you don’t run for the bus anymore. You get about halfway and go, “This is garbage. I’m thirty, I’m taking a cab to the bus.”
-Jeremy Hotz
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I just celebrated my thirtieth birthday. Ten years late, but I did it.
-Reno Goodale
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
-Phyllis Diller
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My husband is fifteen years older than I. He likes to say, “Age is just a number.” Why is it only old people say that?
-Terri Ryburn-LaMonte
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I know I’m getting older. I pulled my left shoulder out putting peanut butter on a bagel. It was chunky, though. I pulled out my right shoulder putting Ben-Gay on my left shoulder.
-Jeff Cesario
SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW