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After Beethoven died music could be heard from his grave.
People gathered around and they could hear his 8th symphony playing in reverse…
Then the 7th... And the 6th.
Suddenly the priest realized what was happening and made an announcement, "Everything is okay people! It's just Beethoven decomposing."
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I don’t get no respect. Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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A man saw a problem with some railroad tracks and took off his red underpants and waved them to stop a train from derailing. Unfortunately, he was then gored by a charging bull.
-Jay Leno
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A man fell out of a tenth-story window. He’s lying on the ground with a big crowd around him, a cop walks over and says, “What happened?" The guy says, “I don’t know, I just got here.”
-Henny Youngman
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If 95 percent of accidents happen in the home, where do homeless people go to have 95 percent of their accidents?
-Strange de Jim
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I want to be the first person to sneeze from pepper, slip on a banana peel, fall down a spiral staircase, and die.
-Jason Love
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I don’t buy products they test on animals because I like to test them on myself.
-Linda Herskovic
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I get into animal causes. I once came up with a method to change horses into glue painlessly with hypnosis. In my method, you take the horse into a dark room, swing a lightbulb in front of his face while the hypnotist says, “You’re starting to feel sticky.” Naturally, all glue manufactured this way will come with a warning label that says, “Do not snap your fingers in front of this tube.”
-Ed Bluestone
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I’m so anti-fur, I throw buckets of paint at people who eat peaches and kiwi.
-Brian Beatty
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I volunteer with Habitat for Humanity. They build houses for people who otherwise couldn’t afford them. I’m a do-it-your-selfer, and every once in a while, it’s nice to go and screw up someone else’s house. I like to share my God-given inabilities.
-Tony Deyo
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Adopted kids are such a pain; you have to teach them how to look like you.
-Gilda Radner
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Burger King announced they’re changing the term “flame-broiled” to “fire-grilled.” So McDonald’s is changing “zits” to “fun bumps.”
-Conan O’Brien
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I saw an insurance ad that said they’re “like a good neighbor.” That was a red flag. All my favorite neighbors wave to me from a distance and then leave me alone.
-Dobie Maxwell
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Have you heard Nike’s new slogan? “Little fingers make great shoes.”
-Jay Leno
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Saw a billboard For a restaurant: “Let us do the cooking for you.” Well, thanks for explaining the fee-for-service concept. “Do you need surgery? Put down that scalpel and come to St. Joseph’s.”
-Basil White
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