SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW
A kid from Texas is on the Yale campus for the very first time.
He approaches a student and says, "Hey, can you tell me where the library is at?”
The Yale student replies "At Yale, we don't end a sentence with a preposition.”
The kid says, "Sorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, jerk?"
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Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
-George Carlin
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I called a temp agency looking for work and they asked if I had any phone skills. I said, “I called you, didn’t I?”
-Zach Galifianakis
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I worked as a receptionist, but I couldn’t get the hang of it. I kept on answering the phone by saying, “Hello, can you help me?”
-Caroline Rhea
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I work for myself, which is fun. Except for when I call in sick, I know I’m lying.
-Rita Rudner
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The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
-Lily Tomlin
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Collaborative, from the Greek col: with other people; laborative: the other people are morons.
-Richard Jeni
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To have some grins, I recommend going to a store and pretending you’re an employee. When someone asks, “Do you work here?” tell them the televisions are free today.
-Bob Dubac
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There are only two places in the world: over here, and over there.
-George Carlin
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I once wanted to save the world, now I just want to leave the room with some dignity.
-Lotus Weinstock
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It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
-Steven Wright
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I think cops cause more accidents than they prevent. When you’re driving and see a cop ahead, what do you do? Slam on the brakes and struggle to get your seat belt on. Next to every accident you always see a police car. Coincidence? I think not.
-Rob O'Reilly
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I totaled my car. Flipped it over. Sky, ground, sky, ground. “I don’t remember taking this exit.”
-Maryellen Hooper
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I have a driving tip for you: Never hit the lead car in a funeral. I have never seen that many people in that bad a mood.
-Phyllis Diller
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When I saw a car get sideswiped by a UPS truck, I had to leave a note. It said, “You have been hit by a UPS truck, but you were not in your car. This truck will return the same time tomorrow. If you are not in your car after a third accident, you can pick up your side-view mirror at the local UPS facility.
-Steve Hofstetter
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A tractor-trailer turned over, releasing twenty-five million bees. But don’t worry, they’re still stuck in traffic.
-Craig Kilborn
SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW