SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW
At first God created Adam but Adam was lonely.
He asked God, "Can you give me somebody that will care for me, listen to me, love me, make me happy, and help me through tough situations?"
God replied, "Yeah, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
Adam then asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
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When I was young, I was fat. I was a fat little kid. But after careful research and calculation, I came to the inevitable conclusion that, hey, I’m eating too much.
-Richard Jeni
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At my gym they have free weights, so I took them.
-Steve Smith
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My wife finally convinced me to sign what’s called a living will. It’s a document that gives her the right, if I become attached to some mechanical device, to terminate my life. So yesterday, I’m on the exercise bike . . .
-Jonathan Katz
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To please my wife I got in touch with my feminine side. Now I’ve got yeast infection.
-Bob Zany
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Take my wife . . . please.
-Henny Youngman
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My wife is a natural woman, she don’t wear wigs or anything. I don’t really like women who wear wigs because it makes your head smell like a foot.
-David Allen Grier
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I’ve been making wine at home, but I’m making it out of raisins so it will be aged automatically.
-Steven Wright
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I read recently that wine can actually improve your health by reducing the risk of heart attack, hardening of the arteries, and cholesterol. This is good news, unless you’re a wino. They see this, “Oh no, I’m getting better. That means eight extra years of sleeping in doorways wearing seven hats.”
-Jerry Seinfeld
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Some say it’s what’s on the inside that count. If that were true about women, Playboy would be running centerfolds of brain tissues and gall bladders.
-Christy Murphy
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On her wedding day, a Masai tribeswoman symbolizes her low status by putting dung on her head. American women may have to put up with a lot of bullshit, but at least we don’t have to wear it.
-Jackie Wollner
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Women don’t need conventional tools, we’ll use anything that’s handy. But when pounding a nail, don’t use a shoe, shoes cost $40 a pair. A package of frozen hamburger costs $2. Use the hamburger.
-Jeannie Dietz
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All women want from men is a partner who will share his hopes, his thoughts, his dreams. And if you don’t, we’re going to bitch at you until the day you die.
-Stephanie Hodge
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I used to work at the International House of Pancakes. People complained all the time about the service. We weren’t slow, the floors were sticky. We were stuck in the back trying to get to the tables.
-Paula Poundstone
SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW