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A man went to the dentist because he was missing some teeth.
The dentist asks him, "How exactly did this happen?"
He replies, "My wife's bread is as hard as a rock!"
The dentist says, "You could have said no to eating it."
The man replies, "I know, how do you think this happened?"
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I’ve been watching so many videos, last night I had a dream with credits.
-Lynda Montgomery
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I used to be a virgin, but I gave it up-there was no money in it.
-Marsha Warfield
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I know we don’t like to vote. Marking your ballot nowadays is like choosing between the 3 A.M. showing of Beastmaster on Showtime and the 3 A.M. showing of Beastmaster 2 on Cinemax.
-Dennis Miller
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Why does voting in a presidential election seem, at least to me, a lot like going into an adult novelty store and wondering which is going to be the least painful dildo?
-Bobcat Goldthwait
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It seems as if every year or so there’s another new war breaking out somewhere. There was war in Sri Lanka. War in Beruit. War in Yugoslavia. In Croatia. Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography. Before the war in the Middle East, I didn’t know what the hell a Kuwait was. I thought it was a fruit from New Zealand.
-Paul Rodriguez
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I think we should attack Russia now. They’d never expect it.
-George Carlin
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On my wedding night I should have known better than to wear a nightgown with feet.
-Joan Rivers
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I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary‘?” She said, “Somewhere I have never been!” I told her, “How about the kitchen?”
-Henny Youngman
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Caucasians do things differently at their weddings than Mexicans do. Like, they send out invitations. Ahead of time. See, we pull up to the corner, “Hey Chuy! My cousin Carlos is getting married. Follow me!”
-Debi Gutierrez
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I can’t understand why I should give cut crystal serving trays as wedding gifts to guys who I knew only yesterday as Snot Boy.
-Paul Provenza
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When we got married we registered at Bloomingdale’s because you can return everything for cash. And I figure each place setting can keep me in beer money for three months.
-Gary Barkin
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You reach a certain age and your body doesn’t react like it used to. Fat just jumps on your body. When you’re in your twenties, you can eat a whole bag of Oreo cookies. Nothing happens. I’m now in my late thirties. I eat just one and my butt expands while I’m chewing.
-Sinbad
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It’s hard to be famous and struggle with a weight problem. I was in Baskin-Robbins, just looking, and this lady said to me, “Are you Rosie O’Donnell?” I said, “Yes.” “I didn’t know you were pregnant.” I looked at her and said, “Yes, four and a half months.” She kept asking, “What are you going to name it?” “I don’t know, either Ben or Jerry, I’m not sure.”
-Rosie O’Donnell
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