SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW
A blonde is driving down the road and sees another blonde in the middle of a field in a rowboat paddling as hard as she can.
The blonde pulls over, runs to the edge of the field and yells "It's stupid people like you that give blondes a bad name! If I could swim I would come out there and beat you up!"
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Do you remember to change your clocks? I think you Spring ahead, and you Fall back. It’s just like Robert Downey Jr. trying to get out of bed.
-David Letterman
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My parents live in the Central time zone. I talk to my father once a week, but he still doesn’t understand time zones. “Well, it’s 8 o’clock here, so what is it, 6 o’clock there, huh, huh? It’s summer here, so what is it, winter there? It’s the Industrial Revolution here, so is it the Paleolithic era there?”
-Hugh Fink
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My watch is three hours fast and I can’t fix it, so I’m gonna move to New York.
-Steven Wright
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Time magazine celebrated seventy-five years of being the magazine you read in your dentist’s office, right after you finish the word jumble in Highlights.
-Craig Kilborn
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Why are our days numbered, and not, say, lettered?
-Woody Allen
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The last telegram sent from the Titanic was recently auctioned off. It said, “Help… they won’t stop playing Celine Dion’s Titanic song.” And then everyone killed themselves.
- Canan O’Brien
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I’m suffering from post-post-traumatic syndrome, and I’m going to keep talking about it until some cute guy holds me.
-Kathy Griffin
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Only man is narcissistic enough to think that a highly evolved alien life force would travel across billions and billions of light years in spacecrafts without windows, and then upon landing on our planet, that their first impulse is to get into some hick’s ass with a flashlight.
-Dennis Miller
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When I was in the middle of the desert a UFO landed. Three one-inch-tall guys got out. They walked over to me. I said, “Are you really one inch tall?" They said, “No, we’re really very far away.”
-Steven Wright
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We took a cruise. It depends on the boat. You have to get on a good boat. They have the Fantasy the Ecstasy… we were on the Hysterectomy.
-Rita Rudner
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Babies don’t need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off. When no one’s looking I’ll go over to a baby and ask, “What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life.”
-Steven Wright
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My friend Lany says to me, “You should be a vegetarian like me, you’ll be a lot healthier and live longer.” So I pick up the steak, I flap it at him, and say, “This cow used to be vegetarian, and he’s not looking that healthy to me. So you just watch your mouth, salad bar-breath, because when all the cows are gone we’re coming hunting after you, lettuce eater.
-Harland Williams
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I was thrown out of Victoria’s Secret… I gave the secret away, and they just frown on that.
-Paula Poundstone
SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW