SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW
Three priests are talking. The first one says, "I've tried everything, but I still can't get rid of our rats!"
The second one says, "I know! We've tried poison, traps, noise. Nothing works."
The third one says, "We baptized and confirmed all of our rats. Now they only show up at Easter and Christmas."
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What exactly is viewer discretion? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.
-George Carlin
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Why would anyone want to read Soap Opera Digest? You’re reading gossip about people who don’t exist!
-Margot Black
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The final episode of Seinfeld, what a shocking end to the series. Honest to God, here’s what happened… Jerry finally locked his door.
-David Letterman
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The producers of The Jerry Springer Show said they’re taking steps to keep their guests from hurting each other. In fact, they had an entire new set designed by Nerf.
-Conan O’Brien
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It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is. It’s always room temperature, right?
-Steven Wright
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Therapy is like a really easy game show where the answer to every question is: “My mom?”
-Robin Greenspan
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You know you’re messed up when the therapist says, “Really? You freaky, ain’t you?”
-Sinbad
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I went to a therapist and he said to treat every day like it’s your last. So I did… I stiffed him.
-Bob Zany
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I had to get rid of my therapist; she wasted a lot of time talking. And I asked, “Excuse me, but can we go directly to the medication?”
-Maura Kennedy
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My last shrink just retired. I’m freaked out about it. She was only twenty-four. I guess I burned her out.
-Richard Lewis
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A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, “You’re crazy.” The man says, “I want a second opinion!” “Okay, you’re ugly too!”
-Henny Youngman
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I told my mother that I was thinking about seeing a therapist. She thought that was a good idea because she heard they made a lot of money.
-Darlene Hunt
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Clinton is very upset about Daylight Saving Time because he loses an hour of sex.
-Bill Maher
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No matter how much time you save, at the end of your life, there’s no extra time saved up. You’ll be going, “What do you mean there’s no time? I had a microwave oven, Velcro sneakers, a clip-on tie.” Because when you waste time in life, they subtract it. Like if you saw all the Rocky movies, they deduct that.
-Jerry Seinfeld
SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW