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A drill sergeant is yelling at one of his cadets, "You hate me don't you maggot?!"
The cadet replies, "Sir, no sir!"
The sergeant yells back, "I bet you're gonna piss on my grave after I die, aren't you?"
The cadet yells back, "Sir, no sir! I hate to wait in lines."
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Neither of my parents understand how an answering machine works. When my mother leaves me a message she’s actually trapped inside the machine. It Is just like a desperate cry. “Carol? Carol? Carol? Are you there? Carol? I’m in the machine.” And my father’s even worse. He leaves me these messages, “Uh, tell her that her father called.”
-Caroline Rhea
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How does that phone cord get so tangled? All I do is talk, and hang up. I don’t pick it up and do a cartwheel and a somersault.
-Larry Miller
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I’m worried about all these 900 numbers that come on the cable channels. My daughter is very smart. I’m worried that when she gets a little older I’m going to get a phone bill and ask, “Honey, did you make these 900 calls?” And she’ll say, “Yes, Daddy. I’ve been bad. Spank me, Daddy. Spank me real hard. Spank me good, Daddy.” “Where’d you learn that?” I’ll ask. “Which number was that? I just want to know so I can call it myself.”
-Bob Saget
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I hate my voice because I don’t think it’s sexy. I got an obscene phone call, and I actually felt guilty because I thought I turned the guy off
-Cathy Ladman
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I hated my boss so much I used to make prank calls to her house. I would wait for her eight-year-old daughter to answer the phone and I would tell her, “Barney’s dead.”
-Paulara R. Hawhins
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It kills me the way they advertise phone sex, “Phone up and hear a woman’s secret fantasies.” If there’s any reality to this, you’d hear stuff like, “Yeah, I’d like to be paid the same as a man for the same job.”
-Mike MacDonald
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There are 25,000 sex phone lines for men in the United States but only 3 for women. Apparently, when we want somebody to talk dirty and nasty to us we just go to work.
-Felicia Michaels
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As long as I have a cool TV, I might as well live in a cave. In fact, I like to think of my house as nothing more than a glorified console for my television… the ultimate stereo cabinet.
-Drew Carey
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The best comedy show on TV: Cops. What’s funnier than white trash under pressure? Nothing. And if TV was invented to make you feel better about yourself; then what’s better than red-necked failure for thirty minutes?
-Patton Oswalt
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I wish there was a knob on the TV so you could turn up the intelligence. They got one marked “brightness,” but it doesn’t work, does it?
-Gallagher
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I’m pissed off. To this day, the only Latinos on TV consistently were the Menendez brothers. What is this? We’ve got to shoot our parents before we get on the television set?
-Paul Rodriguez
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UPN is reviving The Love Boat. It says the new version is more realistic. This means whenever the cast asks for a raise, the captain runs the ship into an iceberg.
-Argus Hamilton
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