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A visiting professor at an Ivy League college is giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for the audience, he asks, “ How many of you people here believe in ghosts?”
It’s a fairly large size lecture hall and about 100 in attendance raise their hands.
He continues, “Out of those of you that believe in ghosts, have any of you seen a ghost?”
About 50 of the students keep their hands up.
“That’s great,” he says, “Have any of those with their hands up ever talked to a ghost?”
About 10 keep their hands up.
“Have any of you ever touched a ghost?”
Only 3 keep their hands up.
“Let me ask you one more question. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
One Arab student in the back of the class still has his hand up.
The professor is amazed. He removes his glasses and takes a step back, and says, “Son, in all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, nobody has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You have to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The young man responds with a nod and a grin, and makes his way up to the podium.
The professor says, Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”
The student replies, “Ghost? Dang… from the back of the hall I thought you said ‘goats’!”
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When you pick something up with your toes and transfer it to your hand, don’t you feel, just briefly, like a superior creature? Like you could probably survive alone in a forest for a long time? Just briefly.
-George Carlin
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Some stereotypes aren’t negative. You think African-American males get mad that we make jokes they have the biggest penises? Hell no, man, I’d switch places in a second. I’m hung like a Tic-Tac.
-Jeffrey Ross
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If you’re Mexican and an actor in Hollywood, you get to play all the “un-people”…undocumented, unemployed, uneducated, on drugs.
-Dyana Ortelli
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White people’s stereotypical portrayal of Indians in the movies used to get to me when I was a kid. I was shocked when Chuck Connors was cast as Geronimo. That’s like hiring John Ritter to play Malcolm X.
-Charlie Hill
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I have a bit of an identity problem. I’m like the only Mexican who hasn’t won the California lottery yet.
-Paul Rodriguez
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Jesus is always played by a guy who looks like Ted Nugent. They never have a Jesus who is Jewish going, “I’m with lepers here, you bastards. I walked across the water. Give me a drink. Open the door.”
-Robin Williams
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I love the naked women when I know them and they’re with me. But at strip clubs I pay a $10 cover, a beautiful nude woman dances inches away from my face, I can’t touch her, she can’t touch me, I can’t touch myself and I give her all my money. You know that’s what hell has to be like.
-Jeff Garlin
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How come when you want to talk to somebody, we ask them out to dinner-and busy the only orifice that we was interested in?
-Gallagher
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A friend of mine had his girlfriend’s name tattooed on his arm. Now, I can see marrying a girl and having a few kids. But a tattoo… it’s so permanent.
-Drake Sather
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I want to get a tattoo over my whole body… but taller.
-Steven Wright
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Couples who get tattooed are the most optimistic people in the world about relationships. I don’t want a former lover’s name in my phone book, much less his picture on my ass.
-Carol Siskind
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The technological advance I wish I could get is an addition for my answering machine, a Get-to-the-Point button.
-Alicia Brandt
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