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Auto racing: slow minds and fast cars.
-George Carlin
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On skiing… I pay approximately $1,300 for a lift ticket, which makes me eligible for the lift chair. I don’t know who invented this death machine. This is like a psycho’s physics test with benches whipping by. Suddenly you’re inside a math word problem. Estimate the velocity of a bench… great, the one day I forgot my protractor.
-Wayne Federman
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You’ll never see two Vatos up on a mountaintop going “Check out the powder.” If you see any blacks or Mexicans on top of a mountain, call 911. There’s been a plane accident.
-Paul Rodriguez
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I play tennis, and I’m pretty good, but no matter how much I practice I’ll never be as good as a wall.
-Mitch Hedberg
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You always know who ’s gonna win pro wrestling… the guy with the best nickname. Here from Philadelphia comes the iron man, Mike The Hammer Armstrong, and he will be wrestling… Eugene.
-Dan Wilson
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I didn’t find the New York subway scary, I thought it was a little odd. Everywhere I looked were big signs that said NO SPITTING. I don’t know if I have a big defiant streak in me or what, but I never even thought about spitting till they brought it up. And then it was all I felt like doing.
-Paula Poundstone
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DC Comics is reviving Superman’s old outfit. I never understood Superman’s clothes. We all got used to the fact that he wears his underpants over the leotard. But why do his underpants have a belt on them?
-Jay Leno
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The creator of Superman was Jerry Siegal. I’d never thought of Superman as Jewish, but as it turns out, he was using his X-ray vision to build up a dental practice.
-Bill Maher
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I had surgery this year. Nothing serious, thank God. But just before I went under I heard the one thing you don’t want to hear, “Where’s my lucky scalpel?”
-Jonathan Katz
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You know what type of cosmetic surgery you never hear about? Nose enlargement.
-George Carlin
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My sister got some of the fat sucked out of her bum and injected in her face, so she’d have a much fuller face. Bad news is she doesn’t look any better. The good news is I now officially get to call her ass face.
-Harland Williams
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I don’t have anything against facelifts, but I think it’s time to stop when you look permanently frightened.
-Susan Norfleet
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