SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW
Mike works hard at the office., but he spends two nights each week bowling, and he plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman greets them and says, “Hey, Mike! How ya doing?”
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh no,” says Mike, “He’s in my bowling league.”
When they find a seat, a waitress asks Mike if he’d like his usual and brings over a Bud.
His wife is becoming increasingly suspicious and asks, “How did she know what you liked to drink?”
“I recognize her,” he says, “she’s from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the course.”
A stripper then comes over to their table, wraps her arms around Mike and says, “Hi Mike, Do you want your usual table dance, big boy?”
Mikes wife is now furious, grabs her purse and rushes out of the club.
Mike follows, and sees her just getting into a cab. Just before she can shut the door, he slides in besides her.
Mike tries to explain how the stripper must be confusing him with someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She’s screaming at the top of her lungs, and calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, “Gee Mike, you sure picked one up with real attitude this time.”
Mike’s funeral will be this Friday.
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Certain sports are not ethnically conducive. I admire white people for coming up with bungee jumping. What kind of drug were you on when you came up with that? Where’s the fun? If you ever see any Mexicans hanging upside down from a bridge with their feet tied, call the cops. Someone is trying to kill us.
-Paul Rodriguez
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The NFL says it will punish any player who commits a crime, uses a weapon, or assaults a woman. “If a player feels compelled to engage in such behavior, the league says, “He can run for office like everybody else.”
-Argus Hamilton
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I think Foosball is a combination of soccer and shish-kebabs. Foosball messed up my perception of soccer, I thought I had to kick the ball, then spin around and around.
-Mitch Hedberg
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Playing golf the other day I broke seventy. That’s a lot of clubs.
-Henny Youngman
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Women are now referees for the NBA, and they’re driving some guys crazy. They don’t just call a foul, they want to talk about why it happened.
-Leslie Nesbit
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In Texas they passed a petition where girls can play high school football with the boys. I think if she’s tough enough to play, she should play. If she’s tough enough to play, she’d be hell that one week of the month. “I’m cranky, I’m bloated, my nipples hurt. Coach, gimme the ball!”
-B.T.
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Who needs the NFL with all of their stupid rules like “no taunting”? You can hit a guy at full speed and put him in the hospital, but you can’t say “Nah nah! Quarterback has a big butt!”
-Drew Carey
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I’ve been watching the Classic Sports Network lately, and I must say, the Chicago Bears are looking good in 1985. Also, keep an eye out for a young coach named Vince Lombardi in the fifties… he’s got something!
-Bob Odenkirk
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My brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
-Henny Youngman
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I was in Little League. I was on first base… I stole third. I ran straight across the diamond. Earlier in the week, I learned the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. I argued with the ump that second base was out of my way.
-Steven Wright
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When Utah hosts the next Winter Olympics, things will be a bit more conservative. In the two-man Luge, they’re gonna have a chaperone between the two guys.
-Jay Leno
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Monica Seles is using this really huge racket. What kind of sport is tennis where you can change the size of the equipment because you suck at it? How does that work? Why don’t baseball players just put on really long shoes, so they’re always safe?
-Dan Wilson
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