Long Jokes PG165

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Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student school in Washington DC to talk about her life.

After her talk she opens it up for questions.

A little boy raises hi hand. Hillary asks him his name.

“Justin.” He answers.

“What is your question Justin?”

“I have three questions: First - what happened in Benghazi? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And, Third - whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?”

Just then the bell rings for recess.

Hillary informs everyone that they will resume after recess.

When they resume, Hillary says, “Okay, where were we? Oh, that’s right, question time. Who has a question?”

A different boy, Little Billy, puts his hand up.

Hillary points to him and asks what his name is.

“Little Billy.” He states.

“And what is your question Little Billy?”

“I have five questions: First - what happened in Benghazi? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State? Fourth - why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early? And, Fifth - where’s Justin?”

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I’m forty and single… Don’t you think it’s a generalization that you should be married at forty? That’s like looking at somebody who’s seventy and saying, “Hey, when are you gonna break your hip? All your friends are breaking their hips-what are you waiting for?”

-Sue Kolinsky

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I love New-Age jargon. You don’t have to admit to being single. You can just say, “I’m learning to be there for myself on a daily basis.”

-Vanessa Hollingshead

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I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.

-Steven Wright

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Sleep is death, without the responsibility.

-Fran Liebowitz

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Right on the alarm clock is the snooze bar, which is basically a built-in cheating option. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner, but finally I just taped it down.

-Arj Barker

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I had this really bad nightmare in which I was in a restaurant and eating dinner and discussing the meaning of life with Steven Seagal and Kelly LeBrock, and they knew the answers.  

-Shashi Bhatia

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They say if you smoke you knock off ten years. But it’s the last ten. What do you miss? The drooling years?

-John Mendoza

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It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ashtrays for Mother ’s Day.

-Paul Clay

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It’s good to see people not smoking. You get dressed up, and you smoke, it gets in your clothes. You go, “What should I wear tonight, honey? How about something menthol?”

-George Lopez

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Now cigar smoking is cool for women. I say, “God bless ya.” Really. Whenever I’m in an intimate situation with a pretty gal, I want her to remind me as much as possible of Edward G. Robinson.

-Richard Jeni

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They say that kissing a smoker is like licking an ash-tray. Which is a good thing to remember the next time you get lonely.

-Fred Stoller

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I just quit smoking. I took this course that tells me to breathe deeply every time I have an urge to smoke. Now I’m chain breathing; I paid 400 bucks to hyperventilate.

-Craig Shoemaker

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I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it’s safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.

-Roseanne

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