SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were married to other people, were assigned to the same sleeping berth on a long train ride.
They found it a bit awkward at first to share a room with a stranger, but both of them were very tired, and were able to fall asleep rather quickly, he was in the upper, and her in the lower unit space.
Just after midnight, the man leaned down and softly woke the woman by saying, “Excuse me Miss, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you mind reaching into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m getting cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she said, “just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”
“Wow! That sounds great!”, he exclaimed.
“Good”, she replied “get your own dang blanket.”
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Why is it in America that buying something, just about any transaction you can name is as nerve-racking as a Bosnian grocery run? Why is it that seemingly everyone with a job along the great service highway is an uninterested sociopath with the interpersonal skills of a wolverine?
-Dennis Miller
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I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again.
-Steven Wright
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My new dress. Do you like it? It’s from my favorite designer, On Sale.
-Rita Rudner
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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
-Henny Youngman
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Radio Shack’s slogan is “You have questions, we have answers.” Would it kill them to be honest with their slogan? For instance, “You have questions, we have a dumb guy who doesn’t know shit about electronics. He can barely match his shirt with his tie and when you finally do buy something he’s gonna ask you so many questions about your address and so forth that you’ll want to punch him right in his stupid high-school dropout face.”
-Todd Glass
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You know you’re never more indignant in life than when you’re shopping in a store you feel is beneath you and one of the other customers mistakes you for one of the employees of that store.
-Dennis Miller
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Shoes… that’s a tough racket. I know, I buy shoes. Actually, I found a great pair of shoes today, but they only had them in size nine, so I lied to the guy.
-Jonathan Katz
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My husband won’t try anything on, not even shoes. He’ll just hold the box up to the light and say, “Yeah, these fit.”
-Rita Rudner
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They’ve combined the all-night mini-market with the twenty-four-hour gas station to give you a one-stop robbery center. This way criminals don’t have to drive around all night wasting gas. You shoot the attendant at 9:15, you’re in bed by 11.
-Jay Leno
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I went into a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
-Steven Wright
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Science has found the gene for shyness. Yeah, they would’ve found it earlier, but it was hiding behind a couple other genes.
-Jonathan Katz
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Sincerity is everything. If you fake that, you’ve got it made.
-George Burns
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You know, when you’re in the grocery store at midnight, on a Friday night, buying fifteen dollars’ worth of cat food, and you’re a single woman in her mid-thirties . . . well, that’s a special feeling.
-Julia Sweeney
SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW