Long Jokes PG163

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A king is about to go to war so he locks up his beautiful wife and hands his best friend a key, "If I'm not back in 4 days, she's yours."

The king rides off to war, but he immediately sees his friend riding up beside him.

"What's wrong?" Demands the king.

His friend replies with labored breath, "Wrong key."

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A man was arrested for holding up a 7-Eleven with a banana. Not for the holdup but for bringing something that was actually nutritious into a 7-Eleven.

-Caroline Rhea

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I was with my girlfriend and we saw eight big guys pushing an old lady around. My girlfriend says, “Do something about it.” So I went up to them and asked, “Is that any way to treat an elderly lady?” They said, “It’s one way.” So I thought, “WeII, that’s reasonable.”

-Stevie Ray Fromstein

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Last week on my block they raffled off a police car, with two cops in it. In the police station the front door has a peephole.

-Rodney Dangerfield

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A fellow walked up to me and said, “Stick ’em down!” I said, “You mean stick ’em up.” He said, “No wonder I haven’t made any money.”

-Henny Youngman

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Someone spray-painted a frowny face on my door. Then they tied a blank piece of paper to a rock and threw it through the window. That’ll teach me to make fun of the illiterate.

-Basil White

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In New York, murder is up 35 percent. The police are now asking tourists to bring their own chalk.

-David Letterman

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In New York a cabdriver was shot eight times. He was treated and released the same day. That’s a bad HMO.

-Craig Kilborn

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I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

-Steven Wright

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On the subway, I found a man’s hand in my pocket. I said, “What do you want?" He said, “I want a match.” I said, “Why don’t you ask for it?” He said, “I don’t talk to strangers.”

-Henny Youngman

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Some guy broke into our house last week. He didn’t even take the TV. He just took the remote control. Now he drives by and changes channels on us.

-Brian Kiley

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The world would be a safer place if supermodels used their powers to fight more than just fashion crime.

-Brian Beatty

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Police in Georgia arrested a woman who tried to use a fake $1 million bill to buy over a thousand dollars’ worth of merchandise at Wal-Mart. She was arrested and charged with being an idiot. The cashier said her first clue that the woman wasn’t really a millionaire was that she was shopping at Wal-Mart.

-Jay Leno

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An original work by Salvador Dali was stolen from the lobby of the men’s jail at Rikers Island. When asked how this could happen, a spokesman for the city explained, “We put a priceless piece of art in a prison.”

-Tina Fey

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