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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hated to see you standing here all by yourself!"
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Correspondence schools are full of shit. Saw an ad where they claimed they could teach you veterinarian medicine through the mail. Hate to be a dog in that house. “Mail’s here.” “Yip, yip, yip.” Talk about being a regular in the pet store, “Hey, didn’t I already sell you a puppy?”
-Drew Carey
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Don’t go to your high school reunion. You know who goes to your high school reunion? Idiots. Everybody you hated in high school shows up. The really cool people overdosed years ago, or they’re living elsewhere under the witness protection program.
-Billy Garan
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Your high school reunion. You get that letter in the mail. You feel like you only have six months to make something of yourself.
-Drew Carey
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When I taught Sunday school I was really strict. I used to tell the kids, “If one more of you talks, you’re all going to hell!”
-Margaret Cho
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Apparently a new galaxy is being formed or something. But what it is, is they have discovered a huge cloud of dust there. And scientists believe if they could look and see under the dust, they would find an enormous exercise bicycle.
-Bill Maher
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These two guys are now trying to clone human genes into cows, so that you’d get cows that would give human milk. Or maybe you’d get girls with four really big tits. I’m sure they think, “Either way, big improvement.”
-Cathryn Michon
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I was so self-conscious that when I was at a football game and the players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.
-Jackie Mason
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I have low self-esteem. When we were in bed together, I would fantasize that I was someone else.
-Richard Lewis
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I think everyone has low self-esteem to some degree. Because no one can ever take a compliment. They either totally dismiss it or they confess some really horrible thing about themselves that you would never have otherwise known. You’ll tell someone, “Oh, you have a beautiful smile.” They’ll say, “My back tooth is completely black.” “Oh. Well. That’s a beautiful dress you’re wearing.” “It was a dollar.”
-Caroline Rhea
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I find low self-esteem incomprehensible. Why hate yourself, when you can hate others?
-Amy Ashton
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This guy told me he thought I was attractive, and when I get a nice compliment I like to take it in, swish it around in my brain . . . until it becomes an insult.
-Sheila Wenz
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Sometimes I have trouble getting out of the house at night. My wife and I are about to leave and my youngest daughter doesn’t want to go to bed. She says, “Sleep with me. Sleep with me.” She says it over and over again. It upsets me. I flash-forward twenty years and picture her saying it to the cable guy.
-Bob Saget
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