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A mother and her son go to church and the son says "Mom, I have to go pee!"
The mom says "You shouldn't say that in church. From now on just say you have to whisper."
The next week when the boy's father takes him to church the boy says "Dad, I have to whisper."
The dad replies "Okay... Just whisper into my ear."
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I was raised an atheist. Every Sunday, we went nowhere. We prayed for nothing. And all our prayers were answered.
-Heidi Joyce
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Most people past college age are not atheists. Because you don’t get any days off. And if you’re an agnostic you don’t know whether you get them off or not.
-Mort Sahl
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I have as much authority as the pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
-George Carlin
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I believe in reincarnation. I’ve had other lives. I know. I have clues. First of all, I’m exhausted.
-Carol Siskind
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TV evangelists are the pro wrestlers of religion.
-Rick Overton
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They say they don’t favor any particular denomination, but I think we’ve all seen their eyes light up at tens and twenties.
-Dennis Miller
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Every time I see a TV evangelist I can’t help but think that if God wanted to talk to me through the TV, I think he could get a spot on a major network.
-Margot Black
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TV evangelists aren’t holy men, they’re just ambitious. I saw one guy who was so ambitious he actually became jealous of the Lord. You could tell halfway through his sermon when he said, “When I was a child, I wanted to be the savior of the world. Then they told me that Jesus was the son of God and I realized, it’s all in who you know.”
-Jim Carrey
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Wouldn’t it be great if we found you could only get AIDS from giving money to TV preachers?
-Elayne Boosler
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I wanted one more remote control unit in my life. I want twelve of those suckers lined up on the coffee table--bring the friends over and go, “See those? I don’t know how to work any of them. Zero for twelve.”
-Paul Reiser
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I do, believe it or not, consider myself to be a Christian--and I’m sorry, but you just don’t go shooting doctors. If a judgment’s to be made, God gets to make it. Not you. Him. You are Barney Fife. Keep your bullet in your shin pocket. All right?
-Dennis Miller
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Everybody says they have rights. But you also have responsibilities. You have the right to choose any religion, but you also have the responsibility to pick one that doesn’t wake me up on Sunday by knocking on my door.
-Bill Maher
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For safety’s sake, I try not to go to the ATM at night. I also try not to go with my four-year-old, who screams, “We’ve got money! We’ve got money!”
-Paul Clay
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