SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW
Three blondes are walking in the forest when they come across some tracks
The first blonde says "These are definitely rabbit tracks."
The second blonde says "Are you crazy? These are bear tracks."
The final blonde says "You're both wrong, these are moose tracks."
They argued for hours until finally the train hit them.
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I’m Catholic and we don’t read the Bible, we pay a priest to do that for us. Man’s got all the week off and no wife, he can give us a forty-five-minute book report once a week. “Just weed through the crap and get to the plot, Padre.”
-Kathleen Madigan
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Even the Catholic Church is laying off priests and going to a new voicemail confession system. I-800-FESS-UP. “Hello, you’ve reached the Catholic Church. If you’re a bigamist, press 2 now. If you’re worshipping Satan, press 666. If you’ve done something you’re ashamed of with a farm animal, press BAA. Please do not touch your private parts as this will further delay your call.”
-Richard Jeni
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I grew up Catholic, but I hated nuns. When I was a little girl, I used to dress my Barbie in a nun’s habit so she could beat the hell out of Skipper and not get in trouble for it.
-Brynn Harris
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The Dodge-Plymouth dealers have just had their annual raffle, and they’ve given away a Catholic church.
-Lenny Bruce
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Catholic churches have their priorities straight. Why feed the poor when you can always put up a new stained-glass window?
-Brenda Pontiff
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There’s only one difference between Catholics and Jews. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.
-Elayne Boosler
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If Jesus is my friend, why won’t he lend me money?
-Warren Hutcherson
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The Baptists are boycotting Disney because it wants to give health care to gays. That’s ridiculous, I was checking my Bible and I found “Thou shalt not kill, “Thou shalt not steal.” No “Thou shalt not give discount Tylenol to the Village People.”
-Richard Jeni
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I think what went wrong with Christianity is exactly like what happens when you try to get your dog to look at something on TV Jesus pointed at God, and everybody just stared at his finger.
-Frank Miles
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Why did Jesus die for my sins? I feel too guilty. Why couldn’t He have just twisted an ankle for my sins?
-Arthur Montmorency
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I belong to a Reform congregation, we’re called Jews-R-Us.
-Dennis Wolfberg
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The pope is a hard guy to please, isn’t he? No weird sex. Well, what’s this kiss my ring stuff?
-Elayne Boosler
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I worry about the pope. You know he had a hip replacement. Now he has something in common with every little old lady on Miami Beach. Well… that and the hats and the dresses.
-Bette Midler
