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A boss finds one of his blonde employees crying in her cubicle.
He asks her what's wrong and she tells him, "My mom died!"
He tells her, "I'm sorry, you should take the rest of the day off to be with your family."
The blonde replies, "But that's not even the worse thing that happened... My sister just called, and her mom died too!"
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If you are married or living with someone, then there is one thing that gets said day and night that drives both of you absolutely crazy. But one or both of you always say it. It is “What?” The word, the phrase, the implication, the irritation. “What?” “You’re deaf?” you mumble. “What?” “I don’t mumble, stupid.” “I heard that.” “That you heard.”
-Elayne Boosler
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I should’ve known my last relationship was going bad. I was getting cranky. I said, “Will you keep the knitting down?” And sexually it was a nightmare. We got into bed and she said, “I’ll race you to sleep.” She wanted to save her orgasm for a rainy day. I called her breasts Mutt and Jeff. A couple of Amish friends came over for an erection raising. We were having problems.
-Richard Lewis
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Some women go from one relationship to the next. Not me. It takes me forever to find a guy worse than the one I was just with.
-Le Maire
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I’m not in a relationship now, but I have a stalker. Which is kind of nice, because at least he calls. And I never have to make plans with him, because he ’s always there for me.
-Pamela Yager
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Every day people are straying away from the church, and going back to God.
-Lenny Bruce
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Saw a guy with a sign that said, WHERE WILL YOU SPEND ETERNITY? Which freaked me out, because I was on my way to the Motor Vehicle Agency.
-Arj Barker
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If you want to be a holy man, you have to be committed. When you make a decision you cannot waver in any way. You’d never see Gandhi during a hunger strike sneaking into the kitchen in the middle of the night. “Gandhi… what are you doing down there?” “I, um, I thought I heard a prowler… and was going to hit him over the head with this giant bowl of potato salad.”
-Jim Carrey
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It doesn’t matter whether you’re Republican or Democrat, liberal or conservative, Jewish, Catholic, Hindu, or Muslim. You trace it back---and we’re all owned by Wacom, AT &T, or Time Warner. I recently read that Disney has actually merged with the Catholic Church. Apparently, the Vatican is now a theme park, and when the Pope’s in public he has to wear the ears. But aside from that, it’s business as usual.
-Mike Maron
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There ’s a religious group that goes door-to-door selling cosmetics. They call themselves the Jojoba’s Witnesses.
-Jeannie Dietz
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English is a spiritually challenged language. Why can’t I understand a single word that a great spiritual leader like the Dalai Lama is saying, but I have to understand every syllable from…Martha Stewart?
-Beth Lapides
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The New Testament is not new anymore, it’s thousands of years old. It’s time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.
-George Carlin
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