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A mathematician, a statistician, and an accountant are all up for the same job.
The board asks each of them the same question, "What is 100 + 200?"
The mathematician replies, "300."
The statistician replies, "300, with 95 % certainty."
The accountant says in a hushed voice, "What do you want it to be?”
He gets the job.
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I mean, come on, jerks are everywhere, all colors, all races. All religions, too. Just look around you and take a moment to notice, and you’ll see more assholes than a Turkish customs agent.
-Dennis Miller
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Pretty soon racism will be a thing of the past. The ozone layer is going so fast, soon everyone will be black.
-Shang
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I have a friend who’s so into recycling she’ll only marry a man who’s been married before.
-Rita Rudner
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Check your neck. You might be a redneck if . . .
You’ve ever lost a loved one to Kudzu.
You’ve ever used lard in bed.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
Any of your kids were conceived in a carwash.
You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
Directions to your house include “tum off the main road.”
You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
In tough situations you ask yourself, “What would Curly do?”
You bring your dog to work with you.
You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
You’ve ever hitchhiked naked.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausages in her purse.
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
You use a ’55 Chevy as a guest house.
-Jeff Foxworthy
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I think I’m having low self-esteem about my relationship. I just failed one of those quizzes. One of the questions was, “When is it okay to start walking around naked in front of your new boyfriend?” I answered, “When you want to end your relationship.”
-Caroline Rhea
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I can’t get a relationship to last longer than it takes to tape their albums.
-Margaret Smith
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