SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me…
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
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When I was a kid we were so poor that when my dad was in a car accident, we couldn’t afford a steel plate for his head, so we had to use a paper plate.
-Shang
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We were poor. If I wasn’t a boy, I wouldn’t have had nothing to play with.
-Redd Foxx
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Is it bad when you refer to all porno magazines as “dates”?
-Patton Oswalt
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My husband says I don’t understand pornography because I’m always fast-forwarding to the story.
-Alicia Brandt
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My girlfriend hates porno, but we worked it out because we have two televisions. She’s in the front room watching Friends; I’m in the back room watching Really Close Naked Friends.
-Richard Jeni
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You know what I like more than women? Pornography. Because I can get pornography.
-Patton Oswalt
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The other day I went to the post office and I saw they had bulletproof glass. I realized that it wasn’t to keep the bullets from coming in, but the other way around.
-Louie Anderson
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When my best friend had her baby she gained eighty pounds. Oh, don’t think I wasn’t photographed next to her every day. I never looked thinner. She was in total denial. She asked, “Do you think there’s any chance this baby could weigh up to eighty pounds?” “No,” I said. “I’m your best friend and I’m going to have to go with forty-five tops. And I feel that’s quite a chunky baby, really.”
-Caroline Rhea
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They caution pregnant women not to drink alcohol. It may harm the baby. I think that’s ironic. If it wasn’t for alcohol most women wouldn’t be that way.
-Rita Rudner
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Artificial insemination. That’s a scary concept. You know why? I don’t want to have coffee with a stranger, never mind have their child.
-Rosie O’Donnell
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Well, as I was driving, the phone rang. This was weird in itself, because the psychic had predicted that I would get a phone call later in the day. As it turned out, it was my psychic calling.
-Ellen DeGeneres
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I’m not going to apologize for this, but I have my own personal psychic. He doesn’t predict the future, and he can’t tell you much about your past. But he does a really fantastic job of describing the present. For instance, he can tell you exactly what you’re wearing, but he can’t do it over the phone.
-George Carlin
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I think racism is a terrible thing. I think we should all learn to hate each other on an individual basis.
-Cathy Ladman
