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A knight and his men come back to the castle after a long day.
The king asks him, "How are we faring?"
The knight replies, "Sire, I have been robbing, pillaging and burning down the towns of your enemies in the North all day long."
The king shrieks, "What?! I have no enemies in the North!"
The night replies, "Oh... You do now."
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We’ve got six women in the Senate. Six women in the Senate? We are 52 percent of the population. Apparently women do suck at math.
-Paula Poundstone
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The Senate decided they will be smoke-free. They ordained that all public areas in the Senate are now smoke-tree. However, the senators themselves will still be allowed to blow smoke up each other’s asses.
-Bill Maher
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Newt Gingrich proposed a law against public breast-feeding. Yeah, he hates to see any kid get a free meal.
-Billy Crystal
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In reverse order, our last eight presidents: A hillbilly with a permanent hard-on; an upper-class bureaucrat twit; an actor-imbecile; a born-again Christian peanut farmer; an unelected college football lineman; a paranoid moral dwarf; a vulgar cowboy criminal; and a mediocre playboy sex fiend.
-George Carlin
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I’d never run for president. I’ve thought about it, and the only reason I’m not is that I’m scared no woman would come forward and say she had sex with me.
-Garry Shandling
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They say we will never have a woman president of the United States because our hormones change once a month and it makes us crazy. Yeah, right. If a woman was president, she’d be like this: “Are you nuts? You take hostages on a day when I’m retaining water? I can’t believe I have to sit here and waste my time with a morally bankrupt terrorist like you when there is a sale on and the stores close at six!”
-Elayne Boosler
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Sonny Bono’s funeral brought out a lot of political bigwigs. And Dan Quayle was there too. He was sitting in the back, thinking, “Well, it looks like I’m the stupidest politician alive, again!”
-Nosmo King
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Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
-George Carlin
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We have a presidential election coming up. And I think the big problem, of course, is someone will win.
-Barry Crimmins
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Dan Quayle recently had his appendix removed. It’s a useless organ that serves no particular purpose, but it seems a shame to break up a matched set.
-Argus Hamilton
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My parents were very poor as I was growing up. I remember I wanted a dog one year, but they simply couldn’t afford it. Nonetheless I persisted, so they finally broke down and got me a pet sponge. You laugh (I’m assuming), but it really wasn’t all that disappointing. Sure, it couldn’t sit or shake, oh, but momma could it sap!
-Bob Oshack
