SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
--------------------
Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me.
-Bobcat Goldthwait
--------------------
I come from an Irish family in Brooklyn, a few stockbrokers, a smattering of intellectuals-and 40 percent of the New York police force. My uncle, the cop, used to read me bedtime stories: “Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall. Humpty Dumpty fell, or was pushed, from the wall. The perpetrator has not been apprehended. Three male Hispanics were seen leaving the area.”
-Colin Quinn
--------------------
I’m sick and tired of everybody worrying about being politically correct. It’s all bullshit. For instance, there are no more car thieves. Now they’re nontraditional commuters. Homeless people are full-time outdoors men. Prostitutes are sexual maintenance partners.
-Paul Rodriguez
--------------------
They have a politically correct Bible now. They didn’t want Jesus to be killed by Jews, an ethnic group, so he dies of secondhand smoke.
-Bill Maher
--------------------
I looked up the word “politics” in the dictionary, and it’s actually a combination of two words; “poli,” which means many, and “tics,” which means “bloodsuckers.”
-Jay Leno
--------------------
For some reason, people it’s an important measure of character whether our politicians have had affairs. But I don’t think this comes within striking distance of our top thousand problems. If having sex with a politician could solve any of our problems, I’d volunteer to do it. And I don’t even like sex.
-Paula Poundstone
--------------------
The budget problems with Medicare and at NASA could be solved if the country began firing the elderly into space.
-Al Franken
--------------------
The Department of Education is under fire for spending taxpayer money to close-caption the Jerry Springer Show. Oh, please, if you were watching Jerry Springer, can you read?
-Jay Leno
--------------------
Presidential scholars say President Clinton’s dog Buddy will be good for his image. According to these scholars, in comparison to a male dog, the president’s sex life will seem relatively normal.
-Norm MacDonald
--------------------
I think President Clinton misunderstood the role of the president, which is to screw the country as a whole, not individually.
-Betsy Salkind
--------------------
According to a poll taken by USA Today 38 percent of women said they thought Hillary Clinton would leave her husband after his term of office was over. The other 62 percent of women said that he’d promised them he would.
-Colin Quinn
--------------------
The Clintons are a yuppie couple. She wants money for nothing, and he wants chicks for free. But I think he loves her, in his way. If not, why did he carve her initials into Al Gore? .
-Bill Maher
SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW