SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW
The manager of a factory is looking to make the factory more cost efficient.
He calls all of his employees to the floor and tells them, "The first man to come up with a great way for us to save money will get $5,000."
A man in front quickly raises his hand. The manager asks him, "That was quick, what's your idea Tom?"
Tom swiftly replies, "Make it $2,000?"
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Albert Camus won the Nobel Prize for his novel The Stranger, which says, in effect, that life is meaningless. But that novel’s dust jacket carried a paragraph reporting that Camus died in a car wreck in 1960. It should have added, “Not that it matters.”
-Dexter Madison
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I suffer from peroxide-aphobia. Every time I’ve gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends . . . once, an Angora sweater just leaped right off my body.
-Rita Rudner
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I come from San Francisco. It’s nice. There are a lot of people into body piercing. They get to where they look like they’ve been mugged by a staple gun. Fifteen earrings here, a little towel rack there.
-Robin Williams
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I used to have an apartment in L.A. with roommates that had nose rings, and I couldn’t concentrate on a word they were saying without staring at their nostrils. They could’ve told me the apartment just burned down and I’d say, “Uh, did that hurt going in? Can you pick your nose?”
-Judy Gold
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A friend of mine got her clitoral hood pierced. I think that’s disgusting. I would never do that, I’d get a clip-on.
-Sarah Silverman
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I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain, and bought jewelry.
-Rita Rudner
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I don’t understand the body piercing movement. I see some guy who’s got eight rings through his eyebrows. I ran up and hung a shower curtain on his face. What about the people with the rings in their noses? Wouldn’t it be great if you could walk up to those freaks, rip the rings out, and ten seconds later they’d blow up?
-Harland Williams
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I thought I had PMS, but my doctor said, “I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is, you don’t have PMS. The bad news is, you’re a bitch.
-Rhonda Bates
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Are poets imaginative people? Yes, they imagine people like listening to their poems. Is there a lot of money in poetry? Yes. But first you must be completely dead.
-Paul Alexander
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Sometimes the police get carried away with those uniforms. I got a ticket for jaywalking and I was petrified. This policeman comes up to me. He has this great big helmet, big black boots, sunglasses, and the belt with all the stuff hanging off it. And he says, “Excuse me, little lady. Did you know you crossed against the light?” I had this terrible desire to say, No, and do you know that you look like one of the Village People?”
-Rita Rudner
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If you get pulled over, I think I’ve come up with the three most inappropriate things to say: “1. Hey, Quota Guy! 2. Wanna hit, dude? 3. Officer Bacon--I mean Baker.”
-Jennifer Fairbanks
