SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW
A blonde woman walks into a library and walks up to the librarian. She tells her "I'll have a double cheese burger, medium fries, and a large drink."
The librarian, slightly annoyed, tells her "Honey, this is a library. Not a McDonald's."
The blonde, extremely embarrassed, whispers "I'm sorry. I'll have a double cheese burger, medium fries, and a large drink."
--------------------
If my parents lived with me now, I’d get even. I’d make them sleep in separate bedrooms. My mother would say, “What‘? Are you crazy? I’ve been sleeping with this man for years.” I’d say, “Look, I don’t care what you do on the outside. But when you’re in my house…”
-Elayne Boosler
--------------------
My parents have been married for fifty-five years. The secret to their longevity? “Outlasting your opponent.”
-Cathy Ladman
--------------------
My parents are willing to feed everyone in the world. They just want everyone to pick a date so they can defrost. Actually sometimes you don’t want to eat their food. You want to cut out the middle man and throw that shit in the toilet. That’s not true. What you really want to do is bury it.
-Bob Saget
--------------------
Both my parents got high my entire life. We used to go on family trips together without even leaving home. I don’t have childhood memories, I have flashbacks. I think that’s why I hate to travel, because we never went anywhere. Oh wait, we did… rehab. That was fun.
-Vanessa Hollingshead
--------------------
I could tell my parents were smoking pot when I was a kid. They’d go into their bedroom at eight, and we’d have smoke billowing from the ventilation system. The pot would go into the habit-trail where my hamster was running on its wheel, furiously. It would get a contact high, get off the wheel and lie down, and then it would eat everything in its cage.
-Scott Silverman
--------------------
Whenever I hear about a “peace-keeping force,” I wonder: If they’re so interested in peace, why do they use force?
-George Carlin
--------------------
I’m just a huge fan of the penis. Can I just say they’re just the greatest? And they’re all different-like snowflakes.
-Margaret Cho
--------------------
My theory is that women don’t suffer from penis envy. Every man just thinks his penis is enviable. Maybe Freud suffered from penis doubt.
-Bob Smith
--------------------
Why are women wearing perfume that smells like flowers when men don’t like flowers? I’ve been wearing a great scent, it’s called New Car Interior.
-Rita Rudner
--------------------
Has any turtle ever outlived a shaker of turtle food?
-Jerry Seinfeld
--------------------
I’ve always had pets. I know I should have a child someday, but I wonder, could I love something that doesn’t crap in a box?
-Sheila Wenz
--------------------
My goldfish got a bladder infection. I didn’t know it was urinating thirty-seven times a day until its bowl tipped over, full.
-Howie Mandel
SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW