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Thomas has been feeling sick lately so he goes to his doctor.
After he receives his check-up his doctor calls him in "Tom, I've got some bad news for you..."
Tom quickly asks "What is it?!"
The doctor tells him "You have about twelve to live."
Thomas waits a moment and asks "Twelve what? Years? Months? Weeks?"
The doctor continues "Eight! Seven! Six!..."
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John Hinkley is the guy who shot President Reagan, He recently asked the court for more freedom. He says he wants twelve hours a month of unsupervised time. Twelve hours a month to himself. Hey, even married guys don’t get that.
-Jay Leno
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The assassin of Dr. Martin Luther King, James Earl Ray, is dead. And what a practical joke on him when he finds out that hell is integrated.
-Bill Maher
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The Teamster’s Union is broke. Things are so bad, they may have to lay off 100 congressmen.
- Jay Leno
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After a Los Angeles restaurant refused to seat him, O.J. Simpson demanded and got $500 in compensation. In addition, the restaurant must now also offer separate Murderer and Non-murderer sections.
-Norm MacDonald
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You know what Teddy Kennedy said to O.J.? “Schmuck, you should have drowned her. The only thing you lose is your driver’s license.”
-Soupy Sales
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Russia, not satisfied with poisoning the world with Chernobyl, has unveiled their plans for a fleet of floating nuclear power stations, the first one near Alaska. To ease concerns that a nuclear accident would destroy the Arctic people’s life, Russian officials are telling Eskimos that having children with blowholes and fins will make fishing a snap.
-Craig Kilborn
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Japanese Prime Minister Tomiichi Murayama apologized for Japan’s part in World War II. However, he still hasn’t mentioned anything about karaoke.
-David Letterman
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Not too good a birthday for Saddam Hussein. Syria’s present was chemical weapons. And you could tell by the look on his face when he opened it, he already has some.
-Bill Maher
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China says it wants to start putting people in space. Not to explore, just to get rid of some of them.
-Jay Leno
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In their annual pilgrimage to Mecca, over 100 of the Muslim pilgrims died in the stampede while performing a ritual called Stoning the Devil. Unfortunately for them, the devil was performing a ritual known as Crushing the Pilgrims.
-Colin Quinn
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Pol Pot, the dictator, and brutal mass murderer of Cambodia, was finally cremated. And he’s going to hell, God decided, because hell was finally bad enough for Pol Pot once he would be condemned to a lifetime of listening to Milli Vanilli.
-Bill Maher
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Boris Yeltsin cleaned out his entire cabinet recently. He got rid of the Jack Daniel’s, the Beefeaters, the Wild Turkey.
-Leslie Nesbitt
