SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW
Thomas has tried out for every school play since 2nd grade and he finally gets a part.
He rushes home and yells to his father, "I got a part! I got a part!"
His dad asks him, "Oh yeah? Who do you play?"
His son replies, "I play a man who's been married for 30 years with 4 children."
The father says, "Oh, I'm sorry son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."
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I don’t know how real these rappers are keeping it from their $6 million homes in Beverly Hills, rapping about how rough it is. You write that in your Jacuzzi?
-Warren Hutcherson
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I like hip-hop. I’m working with Ice Cube, Ice-T, and Herb Tea. I’m changing my name to Snapple.
-Paul Mooney
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Somebody asked me if I was going to see the Rolling Stones. If I want to watch an aging queen prance around to oldies for two hours, I’ll rent a Richard Simmons video.
-Bobcat Goldthwait
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I’m thirty-two and I’m in a band, but I go to covered-dish parties and I have ointment. That’s just not rock and roll. I’m going on tour to rock the world, but I have to make sure I’ve packed my ointment.
-Greg Behrendt
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It’s been a long time since they’ve been on the road, but it was announced that Culture Club and Boy George will tour the United States. The tour will begin in Atlanta and probably end somewhere in a Beverly Hills rest room.
-Bill Maher
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Cats became the longest-running Broadway musical in history. And as a special treat, the cast was given tuna instead of dry food.
-David Letterman
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I don ’t remember names… I remember faces. You should be introduced by the face. Whatever it is you remember about that person.“Big Nose, Short Pants, come here a second. This is my friend, Hawaiian Shirt, Bad Haircut. Broken Glasses, Food-Stuck-in-His-Teeth.” Whatever you remember.
-Paul Riser
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I grew up in such a tough neighborhood, I remember laying in bed at night and looking up at the stars and thinking, like “Where the hell’s the roof?”
-Rocky LaPorte
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The guy who lives across the street from me has a circular driveway, and he can’t get out.
-Steven Wright
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I’m in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn’t include malignant tumors.
-George Carlin
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Ya think there are New Age kid’s games, people? Fun games like Kick the Can to the Recycling Bin; Hide, and Then Find Yourself.
-Jackie Kashian
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I have friends who are very New Agey. Always clutching their crystals: “My crystal help me, and protect me, and guide me…” Look, you live in your van. I don’t think it’s working for you. Maybe a shower would help, followed by work of some sort.
-Matt Weinhold
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ABC News says Americans spend $300 billion every year on games of chance, and that doesn’t include weddings and elections.
-Argus Hamilton
