SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW
A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
After the game he asks her, "So what'd you think?"
She replies, "I like the tights and the muscles, but all of that commotion over 25 cents?"
He asks her what she means.
She replies, "At the beginning they toss a quarter and one team gets it. Then they spend the rest of the game yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"
--------------------
You’re not gonna believe this. I saw a murder. I got there five minutes after it happened. Apparently, from what I saw, the body fell onto a chalk line exactly the same shape.
-Howie Mandel
--------------------
The right to life movement killed a doctor. Let me use their own terminology against them… They aborted a child in the 200th trimester. People in the right to life movement should get a life before they tell other people what to do with theirs.
-Dennis Miller
--------------------
Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil. Other than that, it’s been a good day.
-Emo Philips
--------------------
A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, “He was a loner.” Well, of course he was a loner, he killed everyone he came in contact with.
-George Carlin
--------------------
Serial killers always say, “I heard voices.” Why don’t those voices ever say, “Go dancing” or “Bake a cake”?
-Dexter Madison
--------------------
I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
-Steven Wright
--------------------
The other day I was sitting around the house listening to an Alanis Morrisette CD, and the doorbell rang, so I slipped the gun out of my mouth.
-Vernon Chatman
--------------------
I love the opera. You can’t sleep at home like that.
-Larry Miller
--------------------
I used to want to be a country-westem singer, but I took a test and I had too much self-esteem.
-Bret Butler
--------------------
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means “put down.”
-Bob Newhart
--------------------
At the Grammy Awards, Keith Richards became the first performer ever to accept a posthumous award in person.
-Jay Leno
--------------------
The Annual Grammy Awards were held in New York City, and once again Radio City Music Hall was crammed with a cross-section of musical artists representing every stage of addiction and denial.
-Craig Kilborn
--------------------
I’m sitting at the opera, and I’m thinking, “Look how much work it takes to bore me.”
-Dave Attell
--------------------
I only know three REM songs, and guess what? I don’t like two of them.
-David Spade
