SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW
Once upon a time, there were two boys named "trouble" and "none of your business”.
One day, they were playing hide and seek.
Trouble hid and none of your business seeked.
A policeman came by and asked "what is your name?" to none of you business.
He answered "None of your business”.
The police got angry and said, "Are you looking for trouble!?”
None of your business replied, “Yes, I sure am!"
--------------------
The way I feel, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, I’ve done my job.
-Roseanne
--------------------
My mom, she wakes me at six in the morning and says, “The early bird catches the worm.” If I want a worm, Mom, I’ll drink a bottle of tequila.
-Pam Stone
--------------------
My mom is real sweet. When I was a little kid she wanted to throw a surprise party for me, but she couldn’t get any of my friends to come to it. I walked into the house alone and there was my mom with a candle inside a Twinkie. And she said, “Surprise Bob, and I don’t want to bum you out, but I can’t stay.”
-Bob Saget
--------------------
I get those maternal feelings, like when I’m lying on the couch and can’t reach the remote. “Boy, a kid would be nice right now.”
-Kathleen Madigan
--------------------
I think I’d be a good mother, maybe a little over-protective. Like I’d never let the kid out of my body.
-Wendy Liebman
--------------------
My mother always says, “If I ever get senile, just put me in a home. I don’t want to be a burden to you.” And I say, “Mom, l would shoot you dead before I would do that.”
-Laura Silverman
--------------------
If you’re looking for a way to piss your mother off, here’s what I suggest. Next time you’re driving with your mother, stop in front of the local strip joint. Put the car in park and say, “I’ll be right back. I just have to run in and pick up my check.”
-Judy Gold
--------------------
My mom had a range of two emotions: She was either pissed or trying to get you to feel bad for her. As a kid, she told me how she learned to swim. She got in a boat and someone took her out in the middle of a lake and threw her into the water. I said, “Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you to swim. And when they shot at you, they weren’t trying to teach you to deflect bullets.”
-Paula Pounstone
--------------------
If you ask me, this country could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. Serial-killers, stock-swindlers, drug-dealers, Christian Republicans. I’m not sure that motivation is always a good thing. You show me a lazy prick lying in bed all day watching TV and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any trouble.
-George Carlin
--------------------
My boyfriend won’t see anything he terms a “chick film.” That’s any film where the woman talks.
-Maura Kennedy
--------------------
Do we really need the re-release of the movies Dirty Dancing and Grease? People who go to see these films are the same people who see the face of the Virgin Mary in a sticky bun.
-Leslie Nesbitt
--------------------
So I go to the snack bar. I don’t think it should be legal to call anything that costs $18.50 a snack. “Those Twizzlers look good, do you have financial aid?”
-David Spade
