SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW
A blonde, brunette and a red head are stuck on an island; but they see land in the distance and decide to swim to it.
The brunette swims 1/4 of the way but can't continue and decides to turn back.
The red head swims 1/3 of the way but can't continue and decides to turn back.
The blonde swims 1/2 of the way but decides she can't continue and swims back to the island.
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Instead of saying hello, my mother gets on the phone and says,“Guess who died?”
-Dom Irrera
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Before I became a mother I was such a free spirit. I used to say, “No man will ever dominate me.” Now I have a six-year-old master.
-Sully Diaz
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My mom is one of those really angry moms who gets mad at absolutely everything. Once when I was a little kid I accidentally knocked a Flintstones glass off the kitchen table. She said, “Well, dammit, we can’t have nice things.”
-Paula Poundstone
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The cheapest thing my mother ever bought was the peanut butter with the jelly inside. Peanut butter with jelly in the same jar, how low can you go? That’s like buying a shoe with a sock sewn inside.
-Chris Rock
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My mother has the most amazing “gay-dar,” which is the ability to spot a homosexual anytime and any place. Ironically, she can’t pick her car out in a parking lot, and I laugh watching her walk up to the wrong car, not noticing, until she has her hand on the door handle and screams, “Wait a minute, I don’t drive an ambulance!”
-Scott Silverman
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My family is so dysfunctional that when I looked up the word “dysfunctional” in the dictionary there was a picture of my mother.
-Paulara R. Hawkins
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My mother is so passive-aggressive. She says things to me like,“You just can’t seem to do anything right, and that’s what I really love about you.”
-Laura Silverman
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My mother is a typical Jewish mother. They sent her home from jury duty-she insisted she was guilty.
-Cathy Ladman
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When my mother makes out her income tax return every year, under Occupation she writes in, “Eroding my daughter’s self-esteem.”
-Robin Roberts
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My mother gained a little bit of weight because she quit smoking. That’s all right, but it’s hard to listen to her reasoning. It’s hard to have your mom tell you that she has an oral fixation and always has to have something in her mouth.
-David Spade
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My mother is one of those Jewish women who think that Jewish people are perfect. Like when they picked up David Berkowitz, the Son of Sam, I thought she was going to have a heart attack. She called me two days later and left a message. “He was adopted. Talk to you later.”
-Judy Gold
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Every time I did something bad, my mother would say, “How could you? After all the sacrifices I’ve made for you.” And she did, once a week she would kill a chicken in front of my photograph.
-Joan Rivers
