SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW
Little Tommy asks his mom if he can have some animal crackers.
His mom gives him a box of crackers and tells him he can have a few.
His mom leaves and comes back in a few minutes finding all of the crackers on the floor with Tommy looking through them.
His mother asks "What are you doing Tommy?"
Tommy replies "It said don't eat if the seal was already broken. But I can't find a seal!"
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Remember the whole controversy about whether or not women in the service should be in combat? Can women fight? Can women kill? Yeah, I think so. Just have the general come over here and say, “Hey, see the enemy over there? I just heard them talking. They say you look fat in your uniform.”
-Elayne Boosler
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I’m walking to work this morning and I see one of those mime performers. So the mime is doing that famous mime routine where he’s pretending to be trapped in a box. And he finishes up, and thank God he wasn’t really trapped in a box. And I see on the sidewalk there he’s got a little hat for money. So I went over and I pretended to put a dollar bill in his hat.
-David Letterman
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Some things aren’t funny. Beatings aren’t funny. Stabbings aren’t funny. Mimes aren’t funny. But beating and stabbing a mime… why is that hilarious?
-Dave Attell
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If you shoot a mime, should you use a Silencer?
-Steven Wright
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The saddest thing about me talking all the time is that I am a gifted mime. I could have had a brilliant career. I just couldn’t shut up.
-Paula Poundstone
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They added up all the people in this country who consider themselves a minority and it added up to more than the population of the country.
-Bill Maher
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I’m not a model and that’s okay with me. Because I don’t want to look like a whippet or any other shaky dog.
-Karen Kilgariff
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You ever have somebody owe you money, and have the nerve to wear new clothes around you? Brand-new clothes, and they point them out, like “Hey, look what I just picked up?” Well, did you see my money while you were down there?
-Chris Rock
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I saw a commercial that said you can get a house with no money down. How in the hell can you do that? Kill the people who live in it?
-Shang
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A fool and his money were lucky to get together in the first place.
-Harry Anderson
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Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.
-George Carlin
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I’m always amazed how the poor can take so much of our money and still remain poor. What are they doing with it?
-Greg Proops
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I’ve been sort of crabby lately. It’s that time of the month again… the rent’s due.
-Margaret Smith
