Marriage Humor - Mom Joke
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"Hey Mom?" asked Little Johnny, "Can you give me $20?"
"Certainly not," She replied.
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what Dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey Maria, could you make sure I've got clean socks tomorrow.'"
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They say married men live longer… It just seems longer.
-Bobby Slayton
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The problem with marriage is that it involves men and women. And that’s a pretty bad match.
-Cathy Ladman
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Marriage is a rough thing because you’ve got to open yourself up, take somebody into your private areas, your little cavern that only you have been in, so they can go, “This is a mess.” “That’s my emotions, honey.” “Well, rearrange it, so it suits me.”
-Warren Hutcherson
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I’d like to get married again, but I’m afraid of that marital commitment. We’re talking two, three years of my life.
-Maura Kennedy
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I do everything my wife says, I’m on autopilot. Because that way when I say no, it’s like thunder. And then she says, “What are you talking about, no?” And I say, “I’m sorry, I’m just playing a game: ‘Maybe I Have a Say’.”
-Jeff Carlin
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Marriage is very difficult. Marriage is like a 5,000-piece jigsaw puzzle… all sky.
-Cathy Ladman
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Marriage is not a man’s idea. A woman must have thought of it. Years ago some guy said, “Let me get this straight, honey. I can’t sleep with anyone else for the rest of my life, and if things don’t work out, you get to keep half my stuff? What a great idea.”
-Bobby Slayton
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Most of the women in my family married for money, but not a lot of money. You can’t go to a reading of a will in my family without someone asking, “Who’s gettin’ the tools?”
-Laura Kightlinger
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Another myth, is that a woman must be married by a certain age or she’ll never find stability. Hey, I’ve got news for you ladies, looking to men for stability is like going to Crispin Glover for psychoanalysis.
-Dennis Miller
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My cousin Sheila is forty-three, wants to get married. At every wedding she has to catch the bouquet. She goes to this bouquet-catching summer fantasy camp.
-Richard Lewis
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A man’s not a man until he can find his way to Sears blindfolded, and the Craftsman tool department makes his nipples rock hard.
-Tim Allen
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Secretary of Education Jocelyn Elders resigned because of` opposition to her plans to make masturbation a high school course. Damn, just when there’s something I can finally teach. I could write the manual. It ’s a hands-on course. And it has a great final exam.
-Robin Williams
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If God had intended us not to masturbate he would’ve made our arms shorter.
-George Carlin
