Marriage Humor - Jokes for Couples
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An old man lies on his deathbed as he holds his wife's hand, "Dear, these are my last moments. Please be honest with me. Our 5th boy, Donald, looks very different from all of the others. He has a different dad from the others, doesn't he."
Weeping, his wife cries out, "Yes! I'm so sorry!"
The man replies, "Who? Who is the father?"
The wife looks back at him deeply and says, "It's you..."
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When you were a little kid, remember how hard it was to get a cookie‘? Way in the back, unless your mom was really mean, then they’d be on top of the refrigerator. Nowhere, anyplace on a package of Oreos does it say, “Keep out of reach of small children.” Where’s the Liquid Drano? Under the sink, right next to the rest of the poisons.
-Mike Bullard
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I was in McDonald’s and I saw this kid take his Happy Meal toy and throw it on the ground. His mom said, “Hey, you play with that. There are children in China who are manufacturing those.”
-Laura Silverman
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I’ve got good kids . . . love my kids. I’m trying to bring them up the right way, not spanking them. I find waving the gun around gets the same job done.
-Denis Leary
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My goddaughter is so cute. She’s two and a half. She saw her father in the shower and she came running out screaming, “Mommy, daddy has a tail!” Of course, I’m the evil single girl, I had to ask, “Is it a big tail?” Mommy’s lucky.
-Caroline Rhea
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When we watched Peter Pan my six-year-old came up with a beautiful question. “Daddy, how does Captain Hook wipe himself?” That was so sweet. My first thought was to tell her that he just rips himself a new asshole. But, “Smee does it,” I told her.
-Bob Saget
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Did you ever read that book Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten? I learned only two things in kindergarten: First, if someone has something you want, you can remove it from them physically. And second, Elmer’s glue makes a great between-meals snack.
-Gary Barkin
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I just got back from Vegas and I have a suggestion for all the casinos… When a cocktail waitress reaches the age of sixty, let her wear pants.
-Chris Mancini
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I bought some land. It was kind of cheap. It was on somebody else’s property.
-Steven Wright
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I’m learning to speak Spanish by calling my bank and pressing the #2 button.
-Paul Alexander
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I would love to speak a foreign language but I can’t. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
-Sue Kolinsky
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You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
- Zach Galifianakis
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Few people realize that Shakespeare once studied law. The original working title of King Lear was actually Estate Planning: A Trouble-Shooting Guide for the Wealthy Land Owner.
-Brenda Pontiff
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The frightening reality is every day this society seems to make its legal decisions in much the same way the Archies picked their vacation spots… blindfold Jughead, give him a dart, and spin the globe.
-Dennis Miller
