Moral Humor - Catholic Jokes
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, “Take only one. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
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Kids, they’re not easy, but there has to be some penalty for sex.
-Bill Maher
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We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. Well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
-Rita Rudner
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I want to get married and have a lot of kids. I figure the more wage-earning people I bear, the better my chances are of someday getting into a really good nursing home.
-Brenda Pontiff
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I don’t have any kids. Well, at least none that I know about. I’d like to have kids one day, though. I want to be called Mommy by someone other than Spanish guys in the street.
-Carol Leifer
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I’ve been married fourteen years and I have three kids. Obviously, I breed well in captivity.
-Roseanne
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When I was a kid, I was so short I had to blow my nose through my fly.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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I remember when I first got my foster son. He was the cutest little guy I’d seen in my life. As I changed him, I was surprised by how much I liked it. I knew that I’d do what needed to be done. But there was always that little voice in the back of my head that said, “Remember, the saxophone was in the closet after a month.”
-Paula Poundstone
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Bruce Springsteen has kids and now he doesn’t give any more of those four-hour concerts. After an hour and a half, he says, “Are you ready to rock and roll?” And the audience answers, “No, Bruce, we’ve got sitters.” And he says, “Oh, shit, me, too. Goodnight.”
-Paul Clay
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The only way my wife and I could afford to have kids is if she breast-fed them for eighteen years.
-Paul Alexander
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You have kids… kids will mess you up. You sit there and say, “My parents are goofy.” You made them that way.
-Sinbad
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I have two-year-old twins in my house, it’s nuts. I make excuses to get out: “You need anything from anywhere? Anything from the Motor Vehicle Bureau? C’mon, let me register something. I was going out anyway, to apply for jury duty. Please!”
-Ray Romano
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Kids are cute, babies are cute, puppies are cute. The little things are cute. See, nature did this on purpose so that we would want to take care of our young. Made them cute. Tricked us. Then gradually they get older and older, until one day your mother sits you down and says, “You know, I think you’re ugly enough to get your own apartment.”
-Cathy Ladman
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My friends ask is there a difference between having a son or a daughter. No doubt about it, the day my daughter was born everyone began to look like a potential molester to me. “Ho, ho, ho, my ass… she’s not sitting on your lap.”
-Jack Coen
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